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I've been thinking a lot lately of my poor Mum, who died nearly 15 months ago ... ironically from breast cancer and various co-morbidities. I feel so guilty and sad that I was not there more for her as I would like to have been.
It is now just on 3 years ago that I got the news that my husband had metastatic cancer (Stage IV) originating from his melanoma from the year before and that it had now spread to his lungs.
Two days after that devastating news, came the news that my Mum had breast cancer. She had a mastectomy within weeks of that diagnosis, but it was too late to prevent the spread to numerous other organs (spleen, lungs). She lasted only 2 years after her diagnosis and mastectomy surgery. I had thought it was longer than that ... it seems much longer ago.
The last 3 years have been a blur of doctors surgeries, surgical wards, cancer treatment wards, hospitals, specialists offices, pathology services ... and it goes on, and on. And still is.
I wanted to be with my Mum to help where I could after her diagnosis and surgery. But I couldnt ... Mum was 7 hours drive away. My priority had to be my husband. He had surgery, resulting in a month in hospital seriously ill. This was the same time Mum was in hospital having her surgery and subsequent recovery at home.
Within a few weeks after hubbys eventual discharge from hospital he commenced an aggressive course of dual immunotherapy drugs. For his best chance, they wanted to start as soon as possible. It was a very intensive treatment with infusions every 2 weeks, needing to be in a cancer treatment ward for about 3-4 hours each time. Plus close monitoring via weekly oncology checkups and tests. He became very ill after a couple of months of this, and got progressively worse.
I ended up having to get the ambulance to him early one morning, and he subsequently ended up back in hospital with deadly encephalitis. They eventually discovered it to be a severe inflamatory reaction to the immunotherapy cancer drugs. Once again he was in hospital for 5 weeks trying to determine the cause of his illness, and then treating it.
When he was finally discharged from hospital he required constant care and numerous frequent medical specialist appointments.
My priorities were divided between the two people I loved most in this world .. my Mum and my Husband. I finally managed a visit to my Mum some 6-8 months after she'd had surgery. She was doing reasonably well at that point. But sadly, her health took a rapid decline soon after. The next time I saw her she was a very frail, frightened, but still feisty little Irish lady.
It was the middle of winter, Mum was rugged up in a heavy overcoat, scarf and beanie sitting on the lounge in her living room. She looked so tiny and fragile, her sunken eyes peering out from under all the layers. Too ill to put wood in their wood fire, but too afraid of the cost to run the air conditioner to keep them warm in the middle of a harsh Southern Tablelands winter. So sad and so unnecessary.
I so wish I had been able to spend more time with my Mum in her last 2 years of life. I wish I had been able to better support her though her cancer surgery and treatment, or even just to do things in the home that she was clearly struggling to do.
She understood why I was unable to be there for her more than I was. I rang her every single day, and I know she appreciated that. But it was of no practical help to her .. something she desperately needed, especially in the final 6 months of her life.
She refused any home help, despite me arranging it for her several times. She told me she was managing. But I know she wasnt ... she had always been fiercely independent.
I dont even know what type of breast cancer she had, whether its the same type as I have been diagnosed with .. ie a very aggressive type. I can only assume that it was. I should have known these things shouldnt I? I would have done, if I'd been there for her.
But sadly I wasnt. I know she refused any post surgical treatment. I think the cancer had spread too far for treatment to be effective anyway, so maybe that was the right decision for Mum. And I respect that choice.
The thing is, if I had the time over again, I would have to make the same choices. With 2 loved ones in a health crisis at the exact same time ... and 7 hours drive apart ... I simply could not be in two places at the same time.
My obligation was to my husband. I have many regrets about these things, but can change none of it. And now .. I am about to go through the same things, the same choices as my Mum had to make 3 years ago. Mum had to do it all on her own .. I'm very lucky I at least have you good people to lean on in my time of need, comfort and support.
Thanks everyone for listening to my prattling on, and thank you also for your continued support.
I've also really appreciated some of you sharing your own experiences with breast cancer. I know I'm not always an easy person to support, and I'm sorry about that. Sometimes its hard to accept support, if you are not used to it. Its often easier to give than it is to receive. I think many of you would understand that.
Thanks for being so patient and sensitive with me.
Emelia 🌺🌞🌸
