Lived Experience Forum

[Radarears]

A line from a song from my favourite artist.  On struggle street atm.  Having seriously bad flares with the cptsd and ongoing unusual "funny turns" that nobody seems interested in figuring them out.  I suspect a drug may be a factor but am a john West reject from the public mh system.  It's scary, severely restricting my functioning and I'm going backwards at 90 miles an hour.  And I'm a waterfall.  I was verbally abused by a male recently and it triggered me so badly.  Everything has gone in the too hard basket.  I'm beginning to hate Mondays.  They've become an extension of weekends.  I don't usually wallow but my body feels like it's run too many marathons and I can't busy myself out of my heads pace. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Radarears I'm sorry things are so tough, sounds like it's all piling up and you're feeling very unsupported at the moment. And copping verbal abuse on top of it all is like the horrible, poop-flavoured icing on top of the crap-flavoured cake. I hope that person is not someone you will have to encounter again. 

Is there anything you feel might be helpful for you tonight? Happy to lend an ear if you wanna get stuff off your chest 💜

[Radarears]

@Jynx sadly no can't avoid this twerp nor my former fiend.  I'm sure I've got a tracking device in my butt.  I dodge, duck, weave but they still find me.  It really cut to the bone.  Thanks for the offer to get things off my chest.  My psychologist wants me to do a written time line of events in order to separate them.  I do it mentally all the time but she wants a visual written version.  It's confronting and trying to document things and thinking about how to do it without going under is challenging.  Then today beyond blue sent postcards to send to friends. I wanted to send it to my one remaining friend sharing a memory with her.  She says she only has bad memories.  I couldn't think of any happy times we've had together and I just cried for us both.  She is facing significant challenges too and we celebrate small victories like a lotto win but it's the reality of where our lives are at right now.  I have weird sleep issues as well and tonight is going to be a no sleep night.  Such is life.😅🤣😂

[OM108]

@Radarears 

just wanna say that we are here to lend a hand and an ear!

celebrating small victories is a great place to start...if you look around you might even find more to celebrate (doesnt matter how small they are)....

sounds like you have been reaching out for support and that is definitely a victory. it is the many small small steps that will move you forward, so hold onto the wins and trust in yourself. if you can visualise the life you want...it goes a long way towards the final outcome.

i know the feeling of overwhelm when needing to put pen to paper to document events or organise my thoughts. it usually helps me to get started if i grab a big piece of paper and write down what comes to me in the format of a colour coded mind map...that way you can link together random ideas and slowly start to focus in and make sense of it all, through the added visual feedback. It becomes easier to then write it down as a series or sequence of events and relationships.

reach out if you feel like a chat

[Asgard]

Hi @Radarears 

Between yourself and @Jynx , the two of you are seriously good at using metaphors, you with your John West salmon, and as for the "poop flavoured icing........." well I laughed out loud at that one.  So unbeknownst to the pair of you, ye had me smiling. 

From the little I know of you, I think there is a writer in you, have you ever considered writing down your thoughts and experiences, I have, and its very interesting reading back on your own life and seing how things transpired.  Things that seemed do important and dramatic at the time, seem do mundane now.

Look after yourself, thinking of you, and thanks for making me smile.......Asgard

[Radarears]

@OM108 thanks.  I totally lost it today.  I started to clean to settle my brain and let my memories and thoughts drift through my head.  I looked into the shower and my cat or my freeloader cat had pooped in there.  That was it.  My mind went off in a ditch, I started giggling hysterically and then had to do even more cleaning.LOL.  The colour coding is a good idea as is just writing it all down "willy nilly".  I've decided to record the least worst years first.  There are no good years I'm afraid.  I'm not being negative it's simply how it's been.   Thanks for coming on board.  I'm feeling a bit cut off from the herd atm and quite vulnerable.

[Radarears]

@Asgard my mission is to make someone laugh.  I've often thought of writing comedy and my psychologist suggested a play.  I start then my mind goes off.  

My mum was full of sayings and I've been writing those down as soon as they come to mind.  

She said about my storytelling uncle that "He was all talk like a butcher's magpie".  

[Jynx]

@Radarears ach, that sucks about having to continue dealing with this person who has been verbally abusive. I hope you can find ways to remind yourself that their cruelty does not dictate your worth. 

It is totally confronting to try to comb through all of your most challenging memories hey. I've done some exercises like that, I actually found them super helpful in the end, even though they were quite intense emotionally. Gave me perspective, and allowed me to be a bit more forgiving of my intense emotional reactivity. 

I'm glad you have a friend with whom you can be open and honest, and even though you may only have bad memories together, I think there is definitely some comradery and connection to be found within our hardships. 

Had to chuckle about your cat pooping in the shower, omg! I mean... at least it's already wet in there? Mine have a fun habit of throwing up on the carpet - once even on my pillow! I let em get away with anything, cos they're just too cute  😅

[OM108]

@Radarears celebrating all these victories with you...reaching out on the forum, getting into some serious cleaning, letting memories bubble up, letting go and giggling hysterically, admitting that you feel vulnerable, deciding to start writing down your history....

"willy nilly" is definitely a great way to get the ball rolling...simply make it like a brain dump and try to put down keywords/colours/images.... as memories come into your head. if you put on a playlist of songs you used to listen to when you were young, it might also help things to move.

and....

maybe just maybe, when you open up your memory banks to get more clarity for yourself, you might even start to recall some positive experiences that have happened along the way....it is certainly a phenomena that the mind tends to forget the good stuff,

and hold on to (and even exaggerate) the bad.

"Evoking positive memories is enormously powerful because, when we are in the throes of mental distress, such memories are the first things to disappear and we get a skewed sense of our world, where everything is suddenly grey; nothing brings joy; nothing matters but whatever unhealthy preoccupation is swamping us. Much research backs this up. It is well known that people with depression recall only negative memories easily. One study showed that working with depressed people to generate a number of vivid and precious autobiographical memories and then, crucially, teaching them how to recall them at will when feeling low, had positive effects on mood."

@Asgard definitely a writer here waiting in the wings!

[OM108]

@Radarears 

revisiting Pink Floyd's song "Is there anybody out there" prompted by your post.

thank you for the inspiration

i love the instrumental part of this song and this so video is pretty awesome for me to listen to right now

Pink Floyd - Is There Anybody Out There ( Long Instrumental ) (youtube.com)

i remember how in my early years (back in 70/80s) this music really spoke to my heart...never had a clue though what the songs were about.....just read this now...and yep can certainly relate to all that.

"Pink Floyd's "Is There Anybody Out There"  is a haunting and introspective song that delves deep into the yearning for human connection and the fear of isolation. As we delve into the lyrics of this mesmerizing track, we find themes that explore vulnerability, the human psyche, and the power of empathy. The song opens with the repeated question, "Is there anybody out there?" This simple yet profound question immediately sets the tone for the overarching theme of the song — a cry for connection in a seemingly indifferent and isolating world. It reflects the universal desire within all of us to be heard and understood, to feel a sense of belonging."