Lived Experience Forum

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Judi9877 !

I just think the 3 minds work makes so much sense. I often find myself on the extremes of rational or emotional. I'm learning to have the wise mind - wouldn't we all?

It's a work in progress.

I can see you have so many stressors at the moment. I just submitted my last uni assignment in on the weekend (for this semester). I think I'm going to push myself to finish my course by next year. It'll be a tough gig, but I'm determined to.

The COVID regulations haven't changed much around my work, so I still need my mask, social distancing, handwashing etc.

Such is life!

Take care @Judi9877 

BPDSurvivor

[BlueBay]

I'm sitting by the pool on our mini holiday in high Victoria. Today is 27 but feels a lot warmer. Tomorrow 32 deg

hey @BPDSurvivor  can I ask you something? 
do you ever get jealous of others?  

I do snd I feel terrible for feeling that 

it's really hard at times to not compare myself to others 

[BlueBay]

Hi @BPDSurvivor @Judi9877 

I learnt about emotional rational and wise mind 

I'm always in my either emotional or rational never in my wise 

I'm working on this too. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @BlueBay !

Thanks for asking that question!

Jealous? Hell yeah! To the point of rage and utter hatred. I understand it a bit more now. It's not so much  the jealousy that I had to tackle. It was my inability to regulate how I felt. 

I would leech onto someone and if they even dared to spend time with someone else, I would rage and run off and then SH. This is what the world would see 'attention seeking'. I would name it that if I saw it today. But now, in retrospect, it was an intense need to feel safe. An inability to feel secure without that one person. 

I don't believe recovery is about tackling the jealousy. It is tackling what brings a need to be someone we are not. Often, we hide behind a mask because we fear our vulnerability will be known. 

So when it comes to jealousy? YES, I had intense jealousy. Did I feel upset for being jealous? I hated myself altogether. I hated who I was and what I did. I hated how I was so unstable and hurt others so much. I couldn't bear my own presence hence I always wanted an out. 

Not anymore. I love the progress I've made. I love the people I have made. I love how my BPD has made me a better person. Of course I still have much to work on, but I can look forward in hope.

Hugs,

BPDSurvivor

[BPDSurvivor]

@Shaz51 @BlueBay @Aniela @Nells @JJ4 @vashi @BPDrose @Luca33 @Sarah_850 @Olliesmum @asdfge @SunflowerMe @magical_journey @Tbo @sarvan @Snoopy56 @sanity41 @Ellan @Laylah @Flossy92 @Bow @BPDSurvivor @Jacaranda84

@WIP @LouisianaM 

[Nells]

@BPDSurvivor .. so here we are again.. 5th admission on 4 weeks.. Came to Emergency in crises, waited 8 hours to be told "you can't just keep coming to hospital because you are fighting hurting yourself and want to be safe" and "you need to use the tools you have to distract yourself"... Home we go to be back an hour late for the 4th ingestion incident on 4 weeks.. 

I argued with them.. Be great to have those tools but that's not helpful this minute.. Their response? Let's make an appointment for Friday and get her assessed for those tools.. 

In other words We have a flat tyre on the car.. call roadside assistance to help change it.. they say we should know how and stop calling. They make an appointment to teach us to change it Friday.. Doesn't help when we already on the side of the road with a flat tire and can't wait for Friday....

Aren't health professionals trained to recognise someone in crisis? Why is it so hard to get help in crisis?

All I want to do is help my child and it seems to be an uphill battle all the way and I'm tired and scared of not having the strength to keep supporting her...

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi Mum @Nells ,

I hear you. I feel your hopelessness and frustration at the system. I've been there. It is not pleasant. 

Is there anything in particular you would like the hospital to do? I can hear you want help for your daughter, but can you articulate what help you want?

As much as I would hate to be in your position, I understand where they are coming from. Very little can be done when borderlines are emotionally-heightened. When you said they will contact you on 'Friday', do you mean tomorrow? I know it sounds like they don't care, but that 'break' is needed for borderlines to defuse from their heightened state. 

During crises, these are some of the things that kept me:

- overnight 24 ED observation then sent home 

- CATT team visit/phone each day to make sure I am ok

- CATT team looking after my meds and working with me to keep me safe until the next morning

- PARCs admission with clearly defined goals set beforehand

- PACER unit would visit/assess me at my home

- appointment at my area mental health clinic

Long term supports include:

- planned PARCs admissions to prevent relapse

- weekly psychologist appointments

- 18 months MBT treatment for 3hrs/week

- community psychosocial support (6 months with case worker)

- case management (approx 3 years)

During BPD crisis, there is little you can do but be there with her and ride it out. During crisis, I had meds to calm me down and help me sleep so that I'd make it to my appointment the next day. These planned appointments kept me going. I knew I needed to be alive to make the appointment if I really wanted help.

I wish I could be with you in person. I know first hand how hard this is. Remember, this is also very hard for MissBPD. She doesn't choose to be like this. Just let her know you are there for her. I wish I could say "Do XYZ and MissBPD will be all better by next week", but I can't. Not for BPD, and neither can health professionals. It is a slow-moving illness and takes time and effort to change a lifetime's development of an unhelpful mindset.

Things will peak before they can settle. I did not settle until my early 30s. So from 17 to my early 30s, I battled it out. People tried to help, but ultimately, I had to be ready. I was not ready until my 30s. I thought I was ready earlier, but I wasn't, so the treatments did not help. Hospital admission DID NOT help. Help MissBPD cope 1 hr at a time. If that is too much, work on 30 mins. If that is too much, work on being well for the next 5 mins. This is exactly what I had to do - plan 5 mins at a time. I couldn't do anymore.

Hold on Mum @Nells , things will get brighter. 

Can MissBPD reach on on these forums too? She may feel more comfortable writing than speaking.

Hugs, 

BPDSurvivor

[BPDSurvivor]

@Shaz51 @BlueBay @Aniela @Nells @JJ4 @vashi @BPDrose @Luca33 @Sarah_850 @Olliesmum @asdfge @SunflowerMe @magical_journey @Tbo @sarvan @Snoopy56 @sanity41 @Ellan @Laylah @Flossy92 @Bow @BPDSurvivor @Jacaranda84 @WIP @LouisianaM 

[BPDSurvivor]

Dear Mum @Nells ,

How are things today?

Thinking of you.

BPDSurvivor

[Nells]

@BPDSurvivor.. had the psychiatrist today.. he is admitting her for 2 weeks to get her meds straight.. the mood stabiliser isn’t right.. She is happy to be going in.. she will also start DBT while in there. He also immediately referred her to a psychologist I found that specialises and advocates for BPD x