@Owlunar
Hmmmm...yes. I don't know why I'm finding speaking just generally makes me feel annoyed and a sort of can't be bothered attitude. I haven't questioned it much. Writing- where do you start. As a writer, I say if you don't know where to start with anything then don't write. I usually am writing in my head even before I've started writing. I'm not even doing that.
Everybody handles things differently. I'm just tired of the world. There is not even a why anymore. This year and consequently what I'm going through has solidified my opinion that the world is really stupid. I don't care about the fighting, hatred and bullshit hurting each other anymore. Just leave me alone. Do what you want, just leave me alone while you're at it.
Your choice to leave was right for you. Neither of my parents offered me any wisdom about life. I always made my own decisions. They were both quite useless in that department. At this point, I just want them to stay away. They have caused a massive amount of damage to me and they do not care. They've "moved on" as if nothing ever happened. So, quite frankly they can both go to hell.
Sometimes writing what is true means that even strangers will say it's a lie. It is a risk when there is something to lose. There are many things that got done to me that I don't talk about. A lot if people don't believe people can be cruel. Or they question your reality and tell you what to do. I've been gaslighted enough thanks. I can't even tell a therapist. I don't trust that people's responses aren't going to do more damage. In this way, Ii think people are stupid too. They don't think at all. They have no wisdom.
Quite close to home for you regarding George Floyd. I've met some very nice police officers in Australia. I wouldn't be surprised if there are corrupt police here though. Not at all. To singularly deal with this matter only though, they are not police officers. They are four people in society who have hatred and abuse as their first port of call and they mudered a black man in plain view of the world. That is all. White murderers who murdered with clear intention to do so. Forget about badges and titles. The badge means nothing. It doesn't make them different. They are a sub human species that commited a heinous crime.
I'm very sorry about your son Dec. Those words offer very little. There are no apt words. The deaths in juvenile detention and in lock up among indigenous peoples is a very relevant issue and has been for a long time. I can only imagine his pain as being insurmountable and he just couldn't do it anymore.
Advocacy and rallying I expect would provide just a little power in yourself to take an action towards still fighting for your son. Meet others who are suffering, hurting and struggling as well. In that way, I see it being beneficial. Of course it does not ever make you get over it. You don't ever get over it. As you said, you learn to live your life around it.
Thank you for sharing your story. It confirmed a few things for me too. I will get back to writing when I can. I just know that I'm not the same anymore. I'm never going to be the same again and I don't know who I am now. I do know that it feels like a very horrible death and extremely painful.
Ramble
