Relationship

[Riee]

Hey,

I’m struggling a lot with relationship anxiety right now and could really use some support/perspective. My boyfriend and I had an argument about a week ago and since then he’s been distant and needing space. We’ve had a little contact here and there, but the reduced communication has been really hard on me, especially because I’ve also been dealing with some health issues at the same time.

I know I became emotionally overwhelmed and sent a lot of anxious messages during the conflict, and I’m trying to work on that (I recently started therapy/DBT). But I’m also feeling really hurt and abandoned by the silence and uncertainty.

I’m not looking for people to call either of us toxic or tell me to immediately break up. I think I just need help coping with the anxiety, uncertainty, and overthinking while things are unsettled.

Thanks in advance:)

[Lapis_Anteater]

Hey @Riee 

It’s perfectly natural to have arguments in relationships. It doesn’t mean that either one of you is toxic or that the relationship should end. It’s great that you can recognise that he needs space. It’s also understandable to be anxious and hurt about the reduction in communication. Do you have any friends or a therapist you can talk about this with? Sometimes voicing our anxieties to someone else can make them feel less overwhelming. You can also always voice them here if you’re feeling up to it. It might also be helpful to write down the things you are anxious about happening and see if you can fact check them against the evidence you have.

[Riee]

Thank you, I really appreciate this response. I think my anxiety has been making me jump to the worst conclusions because the sudden distance has been really hard for me, especially while dealing with health issues at the same time.

I recently enrolled in DBT and had a therapy appointment too, so I’m trying to work on handling my emotions and attachment anxiety in a healthier way instead of spiralling or reacting impulsively.

I think the hardest part for me emotionally is that we were together just a few days before all of this and things felt okay, so the sudden silence feels really painful and confusing to me. I know he gets overwhelmed and needs space sometimes, and I’m trying to respect that, but I also feel really hurt because the reduction in communication makes me feel abandoned and scared that he’s slowly giving up on the relationship.

I miss him a lot and I think that’s why I’ve been struggling to separate my fears from actual evidence. Your suggestion about fact checking my anxious thoughts honestly makes sense, because when I’m overwhelmed every small thing starts feeling like proof that the relationship is ending.

[Vanya]

I can offer a message of support - I experience what you’re describing in my relationship. It’s so hard to deal with silence, particularly as I’m a person who would rather someone yell at me, so I “know where I stand”. I spiral in silence and am currently working on this.

[Lapis_Anteater]

Hey @Riee 

It’s great that you’re seeking support. I really hope you find it helpful. That change between things feeling normal and then things feeling distant is hard for anyone to handle. Fears of abandonment in relationships can be really hard to navigate. Is there anything that gives you reassurance? It is so easy to use anxious thoughts as evidence of our worst fears becoming true when really, they’re just anxious thoughts.

[Riee]

@Vanya Thank you for this honestly, it makes me feel less alone. I relate a lot to what you said about spiralling in silence. I think that’s exactly what’s happening to me right now. My brain keeps trying to fill in the gaps and it almost always jumps to the worst conclusions

I know space can be healthy and I’m trying to respect that he gets overwhelmed differently than I do, but the uncertainty and sudden reduction in communication has been really hard for me emotionally. Especially because we were okay just a few days before this and now everything feels so different.

I think I also struggle with wanting reassurance or clarity immediately because silence makes me feel abandoned, even when I’m trying to stay rational. So hearing that someone else experiences this too genuinely helps a bit.

[Riee]

@Lapis_Anteater I agree with your point. It's just that even if he answered my text or had say something like i need space but we are okay would give me reassurance and not spiral in thoughts. Its just that it feels confusing on what is happening. I am anxious if he has given up or he still loves me.

[Vanya]

I experience exactly this and it’s tough.

[jedi12]

I’ve experienced this silent treatment for almost a year living with a partner who was not taking meds for schiz. I told to myself it is ok for her to do this because she is unwell and not under meds. I’m curious why normal people go through such phase? I can imagine it to be incredibly difficult for the other if you are not comfortable bringing that up. Why would one put up with that? Is that cause you love them so much that you hope things will get better? Wouldn’t there be some level of comms to indicate this or am I just simplifying things too much?
wanting space is ok, but extended periods of silence is something else. I’d even say it is a form of abuse? 

[Riee]

@jedi12 I agree with your perspective but sometimes it's just that in my head I have that hope that things will start getting better cause its not his usual self. So it's mostly the love that makes me hopeful that things will start getting better.