AITA?

[SandraDee]

Hello,

I have been "dating" a man for 24 years now, and there is no hope of us ever getting married, as he's been married before and "won't go there again".  

We spend most Friday and Saturday nights together, me staying over Saturday nights at his place.  He won't stay at mine anymore because I have cats.  He says they constantly wake him up and he's done with that.  

We go camping every few months in his expensive van, because he likes the luxuries and I don't care much really.  I was raised tenting, and went to buy my first camper trailer which I wanted to spend a few thousand on, but ended up extending my home loan because he wanted one worth $40k, which we still have but no longer gets used and sits in his garage being used as shelving (for want of a better term).  I can't tow it with my car, nor his van.  

He had some troubles with the van, so as always, I wrote a letter requesting that they fix X issues and left it to him to work the rest out.  He says I write a good letter.  Proof of this is organising what he wanted for the camper, getting a dead tree removed from the back of his property, getting him out of jury service twice, and helping him choose a few dogs, investigating things he needs/wants and reporting back so he can decide and buy, organising all our camping trips with owners etc, working out menus, making sure he has a day in it all, and loads more.  

He does things for me, he says I am incapable of doing, like cleaning my gutters and cutting back trees, and he is always telling me of all the wonderful things he does for me.

He chips the wood, because now I can't seem to use my own block splitter or axe, which he always has issues with (the items are too old and worn out, dangerous even), and yet they are.mine, but I get no say in how they get maintained, used etc.  

He buys alcohol sometimes that isn't what I drink at all, and if I drink it, then I have to change how I drink to what he wants me to drink, even though I only drink it to be nice.  When I don't, I'm an alcoholic.

I stopped smoking cold turkey, as the nagging got a bit too much for me, even though he knew I was a smoker when we met.  

He criticizes me for talking as I walk away, yet does that exact thing to me.  When I say something, he claims that yes, he is an arsehole like I say, when I mention he just did to me what I get criticized about all the time, and that he's "over it".  

So I will either go home or sit in an extremely hot van because he's outside sitting by my fan in the shade and I need to be alone for a bit because I am upset.  

Everytime I do or say something, he holds the things he does for me, over me, like a tool for persecution or something.  

I just don't understand why I always give, and he always takes ... for want of a better way to put things.  

He's not a bad person, but he just can't be a nice person.

He just bought me a freezer saying it's for my birthday and Xmas and that's all I'm getting, which is 100% fine, then got upset because I bought myself 2 items that he also bought.  Thought you weren't getting me anything else?  Oh fors ducks sake woman ...

He stole my Thai recipe saying it was his all along and I don't make it as good as he does, so I stopped making it, yet I am supposed to have an entire spice rack on hand at all times.  

He makes his own dog food now, something I have done for years, and apparently it was his idea in the first place and I just followed his example.  

I'm kind of lost in this relationship.  I never feel totally appreciated for what I do, and I feel under the gun for things I want to do for myself, and anything I do off my own bat, was his idea in the first place.

Am I the arsehole here?  

Anxiety

Depression

Menopausal 

Now apparently BPD

[AlwaysMyself]

Hi @SandraDee ,

That sounds like you are sitting with a lot of stress and frustration from the relationship. I don't think you are an A for feeling that, i think that is quite natural.

Reading along, i guess i am wondering, "why are you still in this relationship?"

I hope that's OK to say! I assume there are some positives also in the relationship that balance out these stressors at other times?

[MJG017]

Hi @SandraDee, welcome to the forum.

I generally think if you are the person asking if you're wrong, or if it's you, or if you're the A#%$@!... then it's probably not you.  The fact you're self-reflecting on the situation shows a reasonable level of self awareness that I feel generally shows that it's definitely not you.

I think it just comes down to boundaries... what you're willing to put up with and what you aren't.  My partner and I both have things than annoy each other.  But we do talk about them and try to be more aware of each other's feelings.  We both feel safe enough to be able to tell the other that something is annoying or upsetting us.  So at the very least, I only think it's fair and reasonable to be able to express how you feel.  I know it's not always easy, and both me and my partner have had to both work hard on it because we were both people who tended to just smile and ignore things that we didn't like.  Maybe start with one or two of the things that upset you the most, and try to at least get a conversation going.  I've also found it helpful to phrase things so that it's more about how I feel rather than what my partner is doing.  So something like "It just frustrates me a lot when you....." instead of "I hate it when you...".  It just makes it easier for me because its less about blame or fault, but about how i'm feeling.  

If you do try and he's completely dismissive of how you feel, then that may just be the answer in itself.  Good luck and hopefully this can be resolved in a way that works for you both.

[DahliaDreams]

Hi @SandraDee,

no, I don't think you are the A. I guess after 24 years you know your partner and his behaviour well. If there are things that continually come up that you are frustrated with in your relationship maybe you could gently suggest couples counselling? 

I used to be in a relationship with someone where there were a lot of problems (but different to your issues of course) and I suggested we go to counselling together. He only agreed to it once I'd left him which was too late really, I didn't want to look back after that. 

[SandraDee]

Sometimes I also wonder this.  Most of the time he's a great, awesome guy.  He is a Gemini, and so the other guy that he is ... Is a total arse ... (No offence to any Geminis excepting him).  There are ups and downs absolutely ... like any relationship, but at times he simply can not be reasoned with, and anything you say is unacceptable for "insert his reason".  He also likes to walk away and not accept further conversation which irks me somewhat, but at other times I'm quite grateful so I can get some time alone to sit.  

[SandraDee]

Thank you for your insights.  

He is dismissive on the days he prefers with no notice and reasonable on others, but it all depends on him alas.  I really do have to pick my time.  Sometimes he is agreeable, but mostly it's at his discretion.  For the most part I may be able to say something that doesn't set him off, but if I do, we have lost our discussion and may not be able to go back there.  

Counselling is an evil word.  Alas.

I have it for my mental health a few times a year and he says he would love to be there to add his 2 cents worth, but that's my time for me.  

[SandraDee]

Yeah sometimes it really does feel that way. I agree that once it's done it's done. However some just can't let go.

[MJG017]

@SandraDee 

It's certainly sounds like a tricky situation.  It does sound like there's two different guys in one.  It must be frustrating that they both seem so different.  If only one could learn a bit from the other.  I guess, ultimately, it comes down to does the good, do enough to make up for the not-so-good for you personally?  You have the right to expect to be treated with kindness, love, and respect all the time... not just when it's convenient for someone else.  I feel like sometimes we can forgive a lot of thinks we hate out of fear of losing the parts that we love.  It's easy to eventually start to feel like it's our job alone to keep things in the good.

[SandraDee]

I hear that. Thank you.