Watching my bipolar partner self-destruct. Help me understand.

[Sallee]

Hi everyone.
I'm here because I called a crisis line yesterday. Please help me understand bipolar. My partner of 18 years has hit the self-destruct button - storming out of our happy home, smashing up his stuff, losing his loved and successful job, blaming me for all his problems, talking about having "changed" and moving to an isolated unit on the outskirts of the city where he sits alone in the dark. He is miserable, angry, irritable and defiant. And getting worse.
This has happened over the course of a year. He says he loves me and I love him. We have been very happy together agreeing it was 'the best ever' . He won't see his psychiatrist or take the meds prescribed despite accepting the diagnosis of bipolar 2.
I've tried to help by letting him know I love him and I will stay with him through it all.
He is now really horrible to me on the rare occasions that we communicate. He is acting like the complete opposite of who he has been since we met and fell in love.
This cruelty to me plus the despair I feel watching his decline is too much to bear and I need to take care of myself - I know that and I have a counsellor and a couple of good friends that I am leaning on for support.
I am posting here because I am desperately seeking contact with others who are on this journey, and I desperately want to understand this illness. What makes someone with Bipolar turn against their loved and lioving closest best friend and life partner?

in hope, Sallee

[greenpea]

Hi Sallee and welcome to Forumland. This would be the third time I have attempted to answer your question 'What makes someone with Bipolar turn against their loved and lioving closest best friend and life partner?' it is a tough one.... 

I have Bipolar1 and schizoaffective disorder and when I was unmedicated people around me would have said that I was trying to push them away but that was never my intent ... I was just so sick I didnt know what was real and what wasnt. I can only speak for myself and say that I was so sick I didnt even know that I was sick. I basically had to crash and burn before I could got the help that I needed no one could do it for me.

My advice is to keep the doors of communication open with your partner but only at a level which is safe for you. You have to protect yourself. You cannot help your partner if you become exhausted and rundown in the process. 

I will tag @Queenie in as she is a community guide and a really nice woman who is living with  (bipolar1 and schizoaffective disorder as well). She might be able to give you move ideas on how to look after your own well being than I can. Good luck. gp

[Sallee]

Thank you @greenpea. It means a lot to me to read your response. Heartfelt thanks. Your comments about when you were sick and not aware of the impact on others close to you, are really helpful to me because if I took the view that he deliberately set out to hurt me I think I'd just fall apart. Even more than I have already.
One of the things I've struggled with is whether to keep trying to initiate contact when he is shutting himself away and not answering his phone. I never know what to do. It hurts me when he does that and it makes me want to walk away, but then I think that keeping trying lets him know he is loved.
It would be awful to let this condition and current episode wreck our relationship - it has already done serious damage in other areas of his life.
What happens when people come out of an episode like this and find so many things have been messed up or lost. It must be hard. I want to be there for him.

[greenpea]

@Sallee Hi Sallee for me I spent a whole heap of time apologizing for my behaviour. In saying that though some of what I did comes and goes in my mind sometimes I simply cannot remember what I did ... it is very strange but true.

It is an awful disorder but with the right medications and medical help people can lead great lives albeit with the occassional hiccup along the way.  

Just make sure you look after yourself. 🙂

[Appleblossom]

@greenpeapoint to keep doors open for him ... but at a level that is safe for you is important.

Also that there can be a push-pull in relationships.  A psychologist once explained part of it is the fear of getting swamped or merged so and the need to re-assert personal boundaries but there might be over correction happening.  It is terribly sad when a marriage breaks down, but dont take on too much toxicity as that does not help ...

Good Luck @Sallee

[Queenie]

Hey @Sallee and welcome to SANE. Apologies it has taken a few days to see @greenpea's tag, as I haven't been online until now (I have been unwell of late).

It is important to note the two aspects of bipolar, the highs and the lows. For me, at both ends of the spectrum, I lose touch with reality and push away those I love most. In the past I have ruined relationships and friendships because I lost insight into my illness. Insight is a wonderful thing because it allows us, as the person with lived experience, see what we have is an illness and for the most part there is help available for us. 

How long has it been since your partner has been diagnosed @Sallee? If it is a relatively new diagnosis, it may be that he has not yet gained insight into his illness (what the early warning signs are, what are his triggers, how to implement a safety plan if needed etc). For me, it took years of episodes of being unwell before I gained much insight into my mental health issues.

It must be terribly difficult watching someone you love self-destruct. Please know there are others here in on the Forum who are willing to listen and who understand.

[Sallee]

Hi again, @greenpea @Queenie @Appleblossom here's an update. My BP partner refused psych meds and care months ago and ran away from his life. His gp wasn't convinced the situation was serious enough to insist on psych care and put him on antidepressants, despite me telling him about the violence, threats of suicide and crazy horrible things he was doing. That was a deal breaker for me. It really annoyed me that the gp wasn't listening to me describe what had been going on. So, I had to step back and go through the pain of piecing my life back together alone (you can't imagine the
mess he left behind).
Its well known that antidepressants can ping a BP person into manic and sure enough, that's what has started to happen. He rang me today to tell me he finally recognises he needs help and has agreed to see a psych and maybe go in to hospital. I should feel relief but I just feel totally exhausted and sick of all this unnecessary upset and destruction. I'll keep you updated.
These forums are a comfort to me - I dont feel so alone.

[Queenie]

I am so glad to hear your partner has gained some insight into his illness. It's a terrible tragedy that it has come at such a cost to your relationship with him. I know in the past my illness has caused some terrible effects on relationships, all because of lack of insight. 

I hope if you still want the relationship, that it is repairable. If not, I can totally understand your reasoning in walking away.

Remember to be kind to yourself.

[greenpea]

@Sallee Hi Sallee that is indeed good news on your partner, The fact he has a bit of inseight as Queenie says into what is happening is a great step forward. I can imagine the trail of destruction that he has left behind ....  I did too but have been on medication for a little while now and with the support of family have made great improvements. Just remember you cannot be there for him if you dont  look after yourself 🙂