Son with bipolar

[AnnaD]

Hi all

My son, mid 30’s has been very unwell for most of the past 18 months and this seems to have been triggered by the loss of a permanent job where the work load was severely impacted by Covid restrictions. He had his first breakdown when he was 18 years old but, admittedly, from an early age he was an anxious sort of person. 
After a few difficult years and several hospital admissions he seemed to enter a relatively stable stage probably because the right medication for his problems was prescribed. Diagnosis was Bipolar 1.
He was on this med for almost 12 years, got to a point where he could move away from home, get into a relationship and hold down a job. There have been many times over these years where he seemed low in mood but managed to level out again.

But it seems now that the meds that worked for so long stopped being so effective. His sleep suffered, his mood was rock bottom and every so often there have been signs of a high, but mostly very depressed. All of this was worsened by how difficult it was for him to get a psychiatrist again and even a mental health professional to talk too… all booked out for up to four months. His GP did the best possible and lots of new meds tried but no good, just didn’t work and made his nauseous.

Finally he admit himself to hospital, private one of course, only option unless you are committed.

I was very sad he had to go in to hospital just to get psychiatric care but thought now he will get on the right meds and be stable again.

This isn’t what has happened. He has a psychiatrist now and is on a truckload of meds but still unwell. He is managing to work but it’s a casual job and he is super anxious about the future, financially, and about his prognosis long term…just as I am. He is still in the same relationship but she is very private person and doesn’t want to get overly involved by talking to his psychiatrist or to me about it, but he said she is good to him and he tries his best to not overload her as she gets anxious too. His psychiatrist won’t agree to talk to me probably because my son doesn’t live at home now and strictly speaking I am no longer next of kin as he lives with his partner.

For me, I have a good husband, but no other family in this country. I have suffered from depression myself. I find these days that my mood is almost in sync with my son. If he isn’t well I am so wretched, scared of the future too. When he has the odd good day I feel better. I want to travel overseas to see other family and if it wasn’t for my son I would spend a lot of time overseas in country of origin. ( I am retired) But I can’t leave him even though I don’t live with him I feel the need to be always available.

many of you I know will have much sadder stories and I feel for you.  But for me, loneliness and isolation is a part of my life as my friends are all involved with grandchildren and their family networks, something I will never have.

I follow all the advice about keeping active, healthy diet etc but just need more support and connection, others who understand the agony that goes with having unwell offspring who want to be well and have a normal life. I am aware of the positives in my life, that my son’s partner is still around and that my husband is a kind person. ( he doesn’t get as upset as I do and can disconnect more from it all.) 
thank you.

[Jynx]

Hi @AnnaD  and welcome to the forums. I'm one of the moderators here, thought I'd just pop in and offer some support. I can hear that you care deeply for your son and want what is best for him. I am also hearing that you are making sacrifices in your own life like not going travelling, in order to stay close and available to support him. It's a really tricky position to be in, and I'm sure many of the other carers and family members here will be able to relate - finding balance is super hard. It's great you decided to reach out and connect with the community here, they're a good bunch. I hope you can also have a look through some other threads here and maybe find some others' stories that you can relate to, and of course let us know if you have any queries, we're here to help 😊

[jumble]

what other threads wold you suggest counseller?

[tyme]

Welcome @jumble !

If you are interested in threads of a particular topic, you can use the tags at the bottom of the main Carers page (see screen shot).

Alternatively, you can type what you are looking for the in forums’ search bar.

Hope that helps,

tyme

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @AnnaD 

Firstly, welcome to the Forums! I’m FloatingFeather, one of the peer support workers at SANE and I am really pleased you have found us. I know it can take a lot of courage to reach out for support and open up about something that can be both painful and emotive.

I just want to let you know so much of what you say resonates with me.  A family member of mine has suffered from Bipolar 1 for around 20 years.  My family member is extremely private and over the years has become very reclusive.  Outside his professional team (GP, psychiatrist, psychologist) I am pretty much his only support person so I get how isolating and tiring it can be.

Like your son, my family member has gone through periods of relative stability, had partners, was social but over the years he has become withdrawn and quite socially isolated.  On occasion he will come out with my family for celebrations because he feels safe with us but I know how hard this can be for him.  I always give him an out – I tell him even if at the last minute it all feels too hard to let me know.  I think that feeling of not feeling pressured helps him feel stronger and more in charge of his choices. 

Its great that your son is managing to go to work – I think that social factor is just as important as the monetary reason of going to work.  I think it’s also great that he has a partner that is good to him.  Those supports are so important. 

I glad also to read you have a good husband who is supportive. It is tough though not having other family in this country.  I was wondering, do you have friends that you could confide in?  Just having someone to talk to without judgement can be so helpful to me.  Have you (would you) feel comfortable sharing your story with your GP?  What caught me off-guard was when my family member's psychiatrist asked me who I had for support.  For whatever reason I didn’t realise I also needed support - in hindsight that was a great question.  It reminds me of a saying I really like about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first so that you may help others second.  The importance of the carer getting support is just as important as caring for the person you love. 

I think it’s great that you follow the usual advice given to maintain your own wellness, but I really understand what you mean about the agony of having a family member with Bipolar 1.  For me, unless you have walked this path (especially over a number years) you can't really understand how it feels.  I also know that feeling that my mood relates to the mood of my family member – a good day for him can mean a good day for me, a bad day for him can mean a bad day for me.

I find gratitude, mindfulness and knowing when I need to ask for help works best for me.  Knowing that at the end of the day I can only do so much, be there so much, help so much and accepting that has (over time) helped me cope better.  That’s not to say that I don’t still worry a lot, and feel lost sometimes but I try to take it one day at a time with my family member.

Please stay in touch and reach out of the forums – it such a great community with a lot of support.  If you do feel you would like some extra support the SANE Support Centre is available to support you from 10am-10pm Monday to Friday. We have counsellors and peer support workers available to support you via phone (1800 18 7263) or webchat.

Please take care of yourself – your love and concern for your son is very apparent and he is lucky to have such a caring mum.  Please take good care of yourself too.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

[AnnaD]

Thanks for all replies but particularly from floating feather, Much of what you said is indeed similar to my situation. When my son first became mentally unwell, at aged 18, I did access support for myself, via local mental health team and psychologist. I also was prescribed meds myself and have been on and off such meds ever since. It all definitely helped. My son’s “ relapse” 18 or so months back, that’s more or less ongoing ,highlighted that today it is harder to access help. ( probably partly Covid related.) He had so much difficulty that I have assumed it would be even harder for me,… my experience with ringing help lines for him was to receive advice like contact this or that service, all of which I had already done to no avail. I have spoken to my current GP who suggested I find a mental health professional for myself and when I had done so she would write a referral. I haven’t tried to find one because my son had to wait 5 months to get an appointment with the psychologist he had seen before and trusted. I couldn’t face the process of trying to find one and the wait for an appointment. However it is really good to know there is a Sane number I can access if I need. I have one particularly good friend in another Australian State to confide in and that is a help. Although there are local people I catch up with who are aware and offer sympathy I don’t feel I could talk to any of them when I am really in a low mood. I don’t know anyone who has as few connections ( re family) as I do and thus they have much too much going on in their lives anyway. As you are aware the difficulty is staying on an even keel when my son is in distress. On his better days it’s much easier to be upbeat. It’s good to share anyway so thanks again. AnnaD

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @AnnaD,

Just dropping by to see how you are going - how is your son? 

I understand your frustration with finding mental health support. From my experience post-covid it does seem to be more challenging to find someone you can get an appointment with in the near future. Having said that please remember SANE’s Support Centre is available 10am to 10pm, Monday to Friday: 1800 18 7263.  The Centre consists of both counsellors and peer support workers so please know you're not alone.  Also know the forums are available 24/7 all year round if you need support.

Take care of yourself and please know there are people that understand how you feel, what you are going through, and are here to help.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

[AnnaD]

Floating feathers.

I’m ok thanks and my son seems to be ok currently, though perhaps a bit elevated. I guess there isn’t any happy medium or it’s hard to know, with this condition. 
I will use peer support or other options that Sane offers if needed but feel not needed right now.

Hope things are ok for you too.

AnnaD