Partner chronically depressed and never properly looked after medically

[Lisek]

Hi. I fear he is near suicidal... He had depression since childhood but no doctors really looked after him. Now in adult life (past 30s) he tried to reach out for help a few times, GP gave him meds stsrting with a letter A (forum does let me publish the name) which I don't think works very well (been taking for a few years) Psychologists hear his story and just send him home because I feel he explains it like a man can do "it's bad but you, my doctor, can't really help me so I just try stay strong" ....so they just apply standard stupid psychology and send him home. Tried to get him to a psychiatrist to change generic meds and dig deeper but this was such an ordeal, the GPs would listen and then send him to psychologis instead who would say they can't help with changing meds. I feel hopeless, I don't want to send him to another crap psychologist that will ignore him. He lost hope. I fear for his life, I fear for his comfort, it effects our relationship. This is real. How do I find medical help for him. Please help, he says if he didn't have to look after me/be for me he would end this pain :'(

[Former-Member]

Hey @Lisek firstly thank you so much for posting and sharing your sorry, I am so sorry about the painful experience of watching your husband manage his mental health, I can imagine this is taking its toll.

In regards to finding the right practitioner, it can indeed be really trying, especially if you feel hopeless alongside the process as he's not improving. Have you checked out the directory of all the practitioners nearby via PACFA, APS and ACA? In addition, are you seeking support for yourself? It's a lot to sit with on your own, especially suicidal ideation. We have a help centre you can chat to 1800 18 7263, (they close at 10pm) about your husband and Mensline take calls from concerned loved ones as well (they're open 24/7), they can be super helpful for coming up with strategies as well as linking you to supports. 

How's everything since your last post?

[Lisek]

Hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. The weekend was very though as we were apart (he travels for work sometimes) so every time he went quiet I started to loose my mind. He was also in a particularly dark place and some work stuff didn't go well so I was extra concerned. I managed to get him to take his meds other then antidepressants that elevated his mood a bit and we pushed through. He did accept me looking for a new doctor for him although he finished with "sure...But what's the point". This goes down to what he said many times that I can only summarise as: if I let him go, if I found someone else, if I was safe and happy then he could go end his suffering. ....this hurts very bad and I feel like It's me who forces him to suffer by loving him and wanting him alive...like I should stop loving him and start forcedating. This destroys me from the inside. I do indeed need help myself especially to know how to cope with that. I wanted to go to the psychiatrists with him to help draw the big picture and then hopefully let him continue on his own (obviously because I want him to feel comfortable to say all he needs to say without me listening). I don't know if this is a good or bad idea? I will check the pages you suggested, I didn't see them before. My struggle with finding someone is when I find a name I try find reviews (I searched yourhealthinmind.) and surprisingly a good few times I found someone seemingly good later to find out they did something questionable to their patient or were arested (I found 3 doctors like that!). 2 years ago he was going to see psychiatrist who later cancelled the appointment and we found out he was actually taken by the police. It's becoming SUCH hard task to find someone who gives a damn, so discouraging ...you would think it should be easier seeing as some people don't have family to find a doctor for them, or they are too far gone to see that anything can be done. I want him to be happy, I want him to see things aren't just "survived another day...to what point"...with me or without me in the picture I really can't give up on his life. Is this egoistic of me?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Lisek

I am not sure who I am quoting but another forumite felt that anyone taking psych meds should be under the care of a psychiatrist (pdoc) and I tend to agree. 

Unlike orthopaedic surgeons, people are unlikely to voluntarily recommend a pdoc. 

Looking up the sites @Former-Member has given can help. Most pdocs focus on medication, with psychologists doing the therapy.  There are places that have 'integrative psychiatry' where healthy lifestyle factors such as nutrition, supplements etc are taken into account. 

As long as your partner gives permission there should  be no problem with you being involved, indeed it is well documented that collaboration with family and caregivers lead to better outcomes and I would be wary of one which did not include the family. Psych patients are notoriously poor historians and until I looked things up I did not know that certain behaviours were in fact symptoms.  Mr Darcy goes in to see pdoc on his own to start with and I go in at the end.  

If your partner is feeling suicidal, presenting to A&E or calling CATT may be necessary. 

[Shelley]

I hear you. My partner has been through the whole meds for depression cycle, however we have since been in contact with a naturopath who has picked up on dietary and mineral deficiency problems with him, even though we have a good diet. We also have visited a psychiatrist who has looked into gene testing and found that he has a mutated gene MTHFR A1298C. This means that his body cannot convert the folic acid into happy hormones in the brain. ie. that he can't help being depressed. He has since been prescribed suppliments to build up his system. Vitamin D is also EXTREMELY important. 

[Lisek]

Thanks for your message. It's hard isn't it...I am yet to find help for him. He doesn't see there is any way other than... He says his life is wasted and he missed out on things, missed oyt on being a crazy teenager doung silly things etc. He never had that. Thanks for mentioning vit D. We have been taking it for a while but stopped again. It is particularly bad at the moment. I struggle to come up with ideas to cheer him up.

[Former-Member]

@Lisek

In relation to nutrition and holistic medicine, that is where integrative psychiatry comes in, there is also 'nutrition and environmental medicine' too. 

[Shelley]

Yes it's bloody hard. Hell really. So isolating. The more I talk to people, the more you realise that so many people are suffering out there. If not them, someone they know. One step in front of the other, one day at a time. 

[Shaz51]

hello @Shelley, @Lisek

sending you knowing hugs , it is hard i know , letting you know we are here for you

my mr shaz has had depression all his life  and he has been diagnosed with a large range of MI '

he has been through a few meds and mental health team who have told him to do this and that and 2 of them even blamed me which made mr shaz cancell all help

one step at a time my friends

i have found the forum helpful to me and to understand what my husband is going through too '

I see @Former-Member has  tagged you to the self care thread which has wonderful ideas , I found with my selfcare i do little things

[Former-Member]

Hi @Shelley @Lisek  yes we can feel so very isolated but we are certainly not alone.  There are a lot of mental health supports available for both patients and carers  (including this forum). Looking after our own mental health important so that we don't get dragged down.   The carer gateway is a good starting point.  There is a search bar down the bottom of the page to find services near you.  

https://www.carergateway.gov.au/mental-health-services