D.I.D. or bipolar partner - locks them self in a room

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TW - Trigger warning for experience of abuse.

Hi There, I'm new here and out of my depth. My partner's either got D.I.D. (apparently that was the diagnosis) or is bipolar; I'm not sure which. Things can be going fine and then BOOM! they're not. It'll be a sudden argument over something small. But then they spiral. And blames me. And wants me to apologize, but the apology is never enough, or done in the right way. And if I argue any of it, the topic will just change so there's something else that I'm wrong about or blaming them for or need to apologize for. And then, as is the case now, they move into the spare room and locks the door. If I try to talk to them mostly the response is abusive, and via SMS. This can (and as is the current case) go on for days. I try leaving breakfast and lunch by the door but it's just left there.

I'll then get told I don't have any empathy and that if I was 'actually a human being' I'd be more empathic and know what to do to help them. If I try getting into the room I'm abused for invading their privacy. If I leave them alone and try to 'wait it out', I'm a robot with no feeling and I'm just leaving them to die.

This has gone on for a couple of years now but I'm at my wits end; I just don't know what it is I'm supposed to do. I'm trying to hold down a career; but would someone who 'really cared' still try to do that or would they throw it all away and focus on the partner? Maybe I really DO lack empathy! I don't know, and am just questioning everything at this point.

[Former-Member]

Hi @oooooooooooo 

I am sorry to hear about this current relationship and I'm sorry to hear you experienced this.
I'm wondering if you and your partner have spoken to anyone about this?

It sounds like there are things impacting both of you and it sounds like a really difficult situation.

It might be worth having a chat to someone at 1800Respect as they specialise in the area of relationships.

There is also the SANE help centre available if you'd prefer chatting to someone there Help Centre PH: 1800 187 263 (Mon-Fri, 10am-10pm) or chat to us via sane.org to see if we can help you with this.

There is also Lifeline 13 11 14 if you ever need some one-to-one support from a 24hr service:

You shouldn't have to work through this alone and you deserve support. 

Please take care

Flybluebird

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This is a condition my partner had before we started a relationship. Things are good most of the time between us. I've tried to speak to them about this, but by the time things return to 'normal' (usually after 4 - 7 days), they don't want to talk about it and would rather just move forward rather than focusing on the past.

[oooooooooooo]

What's "TW - Trigger warning for experience of abuse." mean?

[Daisydreamer]

Hi @oooooooooooo and welcome to SANE 🙂 Good question- TW means trigger warning, and is a content warning that helps us to be able to let the community know if there is something to be aware of when reading posts. We often add these to posts that mention abuse, assault or other experiences of trauma that our forum members may have personal experiences of. 

Hope that makes sense 🙂 

You will find lots of other people who can relate to what you are going through in supporting a loved one, including similar experiences of verbal or written abuse too. Have you had a chance to look around the forums and read through some of the experiences of others?

[tyme]

Good Evening @oooooooooooo ,

Thank you for your insightful post.

You've shared some of what sounds quite challenging.

Does your partner see a psychologist/psychiatrist?

I'm not here to provide medical advice, but from experience, bipolar episodes generally last longer that 4-7 days? I'm not too sure. I guess perhaps it's good to ask next time?

Whatever it is, do you have supports when situations like this arise? It's important that you feel safe and supported.

tyme

[oooooooooooo]

Hi There,

They have a psychiatrist that they've seen (or at least talk to) for many years. But I'm not across how often that occurs and/or whether they're getting the right guidance from them. 

The diagnosis I know of is for D.I.D., but my partner disputes whether it's a 'real' diagnosis. So I honestly don't know if it's that or bipolar, or something else. Asking questions about it just ends up with them spiraling into depression again.

I don't really have support (which is why I'm opening up here) so yeah, it can be tough. I don't have high self esteem myself, and when my partner's like this, everything is about blame; and of course it's usually me that's being blamed! So knowing how much I should accept and how much I should push back on (knowing that if I do it's just going to be another argument) is difficult. I've spoken to Beyond Blue previously and they suggested the book 'stop walking on eggshells' which I'm part way through. All my family is interstate and I don't have a large social circle so I just try to make do the best I can.