My Mosaic

[Bow]

@AuntGlow  been experiencing a lot of intense episodes of dissociation lately. come out of them feeling really unsettled. That on top of other things I’m trying to deal with got me overwhelmed a lot.

i got a pdoc appointment in the morning, his new. I’ve had a couple of appointments, but I’m still feeling really uncomfortable with him. Hard to be open and honest. 

[Eve7]

Don’t be too hard on yourself @Bow  Parenting is a tough gig and I used to think my sons had inherited a combination of their parents worse habits. They turned out to be ok adults and we can only do our best which I’m sure you are doing.

Assignment is due Friday next week so I have enough time but I am going away for the weekend.

[AuntGlow]

@Bow This sounds incredibly overwhelming for you... and it seems like finding a safe space in your body is really tough right now. I can imagine that having lots of stressors to manage would also leave you feeling quite dysregulated, so please know that how you are feeling makes lots of sense. Being vulnerable with a new doctor is also really hard, it takes so much out of us to go through the process of trusting someone again, hey? What do you think is making it hard to be honest? And what would you say if you could be honest? 💛

[Bow]

So much has changed lately @AuntGlow  so not only do I feel unsettled within myself and needing safety, my external environment is also all up in the air and I’m trying to create safety in my home. It’s also finding time and space… so much still to unpack and sort and set up. 

this new pdoc is my fourth in just over 12 months. Realistically I should be use to changes in my supports, but I’m not. It just gets harder each time. His male- that’s hard in itself. And I feel like his just jumped straight into fixing things- which yes is helpful and important, but he didn’t really take the time to get to know me? Takes time to let that wall down and let people in, but I know I don’t really have the time for time, knowing comm mh I’ll have another new pdoc in no time. 
my pdoc that I had there for a couple of years retired, but I would spend a good hour with her and we would actually talk. It wasn’t just about adding more meds or adjusting others, she wanted to know how I was really going, she challenged my ED behaviours, there were actually outcomes and things I needed to try. But the 4 pdocs I’ve had since her im hardly there 30mins. They don’t really know how I am cause they don’t really ask or take the time. So now I don’t even know what to expect? What is the actual purpose of this appointment? 

sigh. If I could be honest? Gosh I don’t even know. I’d risk getting in trouble 

[AuntGlow]

I am with you; it must be taking up all of your inner resources just to wrangle with all of this change @Bow.

It can make things feel quite chaotic when our space isn't comfortable and organised - moving is honestly so stressful and I think anyone would be feeling a similar way to how you are right now. Your whole life has literally been packed up and moved! That's so much to have to adjust to. 💛

Hmm, the fact that he hasn't focused on building rapport is genuinely such a valid reason for experiencing discomfort. When it comes to our health, it's so normal to need safety, reassurance, and connection. I am thinking, what feels more accessible:

- asking your current GP about a new referral for a specialist like the one who retired, or

- letting your current specialist know that a collaborative approach is what you need?

You don't have to do either of these things by the way, they just popped into my head as options! ☺️

I get you.... maybe we can workshop some ideas together whenever you're ready? 

[Bow]

@AuntGlow Yeah… although it’s kinda nice change, it’s still change, and my inner me is craving normal and secure and safe. I’m feeling heaps frazzled and unsettled inside and so is my putter world. Thankfully I’ve almost finished setting up my bedroom at least. Just a few more things to find, sort and organize. Then I just need to get use to it all.

I hung all my Disney ears this morning, but I’m not happy with it, but need to wait until I find some sewing supplies so I can fix it. 

just been for a drive to pick up some marketplace furniture finds. Doing an IKEA hack for my art and craft desk and I picked up a tv stand for my bedroom- I’ll paint that too. Only just managed to fit it all in my car! 

sorry I fell asleep last night so didn’t get to respond in regards to my pdoc appointment this morning. But yes, not building rapport has been very hard. I guess maybe he was trying to save me the… retelling my story for the 4th time in a year? But now I don’t know what he knows about me? Does he know much about my ED? Does he even know much about EDs in general? Does he understand my trauma history? 

I’m kinda stuck with this pdoc. When my mh flared up a few years ago my GP referred me to a number of pdocs and all of them were an utter disaster of an experience. Finally comm mh picked me up  and it’s been free, which is really my only option being on dsp. Same with my psychologist- she is free through comm mh too. It’s just frustrating that I don’t really get any say in who I see. It’s just like be thankful you can see one and for free!

my SW encouraged me to think about what I wanted to bring to my appointment this morning…, but I really didn’t know. While my days have still been really shitty and a struggle and there have been some pretty dire at times, I’ve been really busy the last month and have been very distracted. 

there wasn’t really much to talk about with him. Still having flashbacks, although the added medication of a morning has helped a little- he has increased that today. Still dissociating a lot. Still having about if intrusive negative thoughts, self harming still. Sleep is a little better (perhaps cause I’m so tired?) but still nightmares but meds help and am getting better at settling again. 

my ED has gotten worse. But I didn’t feel comfortable at all talking to him about it. My body image is bad. The chatter inside is relentless. 

sorry this ended up being so long! 

how was your day?

[Snowie]

@Bow 💕🫂

[Bow]

@AuntGlow are you around?

[AuntGlow]

Yes, lovely! I was actually just about to respond to your message - what are you needing at the moment? 💛✨ @Bow 

[Bow]

having a rough evening @AuntGlow  doing what I can to keep myself safe… but the noise in my head is real loud