My Mosaic

[Bow]

And what does ‘more support’ even look like @Jynx ?? Cause I don’t know! Is it just them calling/visiting/ me going in? Cause that’s all I can think of them doing. I could even ask my SW to make contact with them and ask on my behalf. She will do that. 

there is so much pressure on organising an admission. The guilt I feel in relation to mum and daughter. The inconvenience. Blah blah blah. We’ve had this conversation before I’m sure. 

maybe if she started with being more open to allowing me to communicate in my preferred medium then I’d be further along in feeling connected with her, in trust her, in feeling more safe with her. Instead she has put up a brick wall in a sense and then in return I have put up a brick wall too…. If that makes sense? She’s put up a barrier in how we work together, then so have I. 

[Jynx]

I mean, good question @Bow - what would feel like the kind of support that would make a difference for you? Regular check ins? Someone to validate your feelings? Someone to help you process the emotions of the day? Someone to help distract you with some casual chats? Something to contemplate perhaps.

Yeah we have, and I know there's barriers both physical and emotional. Out of curiosity, do you feel that sense of guilt from an involuntary admission too, or just voluntary? 

That paragraph... copy it down and show that to her! If she can't meet you where you're at, how is that helpful? It's like saying the first step of exposure therapy for someone with arachnophobia ought to be picking up a tarantula - only gonna make things worse. Okay that might be an exaggeration but still! It's your space, your recovery. You deserve to walk it at the pace you're ready for. How do we walk a mile, after all? Long jump? Noperino - one step at a time. 

[Bow]

Lots to contemplate there @Jynx  i really don’t know what it is that I need in extra support. My SW does so much. And she makes herself available so much. But she is not clinical. Need to think about it more I guess. 

yeah I still have the same guilt with involuntary admission…. I don’t get a say when it happens though. So yeah I don’t know. Both are as bad as one another I think. Just an HUGE inconvenience! 

I will screenshot it and ponder on it some more. 

I think I’m gonna go crawl into bed. I seem to have this huge… hmmm… my mood sinks heaps more just before going to bed and I feel 10x worse. I hate bed time. Hate going to bed. I dread it. Absolutely dread it. So before my head talks me into doing something I shouldn’t I should just go crawl into bed.

Thanks for chatting as always and for your wisdom and insight. 💜🤗

[Jynx]

You're very welcome, as always @Bow - been a pleasure chatting to you hun, and thank you for taking in my words. Much to reflect on indeed, and I'm always happy to be a soundboard for you. 

I hope tonight's bed time isn't too gnarly. Rest well, sending hugs 💜🫂

[Bow]

Had my bloods this morning. Meh. 

seen my psychologist. Wasn’t able to bring up anything that we talked about @Jynx  but did write a brief note about where my head is at… and she asked me to read it 😩 😩 didn’t really find my appointment at all helpful. Talked about what lead to me buying something monday. No strategies to help. Nothing. Sigh

came home early from my journal group cause I just didn’t wanna be there. Ended up having a nap cause I was so tired. Mum woke me at 5pm and I hadn’t had a call from my gp so assumed that my bloods were fine. Sat down for dinner and she called. They are slightly low. Suppose to be taking meds for it. But I don’t care. Don’t care much about anything. I’d be happy if I just stopped. 

[Snowie]

Good afternoon @Bow 

I'm sorry I haven't been around for you lately hon, but still care deeply with how you are going. Have had a lot to deal with.

I hope with D back at school you can have some normality back in your life.

Hoping today is going ok for you hon.

Sending lots of love 💗💗

[Bow]

No apologies needed at all @Snowie  ive been caught up with my own stuff and really haven’t been following on much with anyone else’s threads 😩 some days are just too much and I’m not here at all.  I’m sorry your not doing so well either and have heaps to deal with.

I seen my pdoc again today. I think it was only meant to be a quick 15min appointment to check in with how I was adjusting back to my old dosage of meds but we were in there for nearly an hour. He has applied for me to start a new med, has to get government approval cause it’s off label 😩 if that doesn’t help it’s ECT 😩😩😩 with monthly maintenance. 

He asked if I was safe to be out while we do this new medication…. I hesitated for a while and eventually said yes. Can’t be in hospital, especially if it ends up that I need ECT although we did talk about it being all done as outpatient. He said it was possible? Who knows.
My potassium is low again. Gp wants me on regular supplements. So had to take my Webster pack down to have that added.

my ED schema therapy group starts on Monday too. So no time to be in hospital with that. I’m heap’s nervous about that starting. 
@Jynx  too

[Snowie]

I hope the new med does help @Bow 

I totally understand the not wanting to go in for ECT. I'm on the monthly maintenance for ECT at the moment. 

It is possible to do ECT as an outpatient especially if you only have it monthly. I have done it when I was having it once a week too. I will say it put a lot of pressure on Hubby as he was taking me in and waiting around for me to finish. We live an hour away from the hospital so not something we can just nick out too. I have done it as an inpatient plenty of times.

NO doubt you are nervous about your group hon. I hope you are able to get some benefit out of it.

[Bow]

Pdoc said I’d have to have the full course if ECT first and then do monthly maintenance ECT. If I can get myself to the hospital in the morning, probably an Uber or a friend depending what time I had to be there, I could get my SW to pick me up afterwards. So hopefully that would be acceptable for outpatient ECT @Snowie hospital is only 5mins drive from me. 

but I’d really like for this new med, if it’s approved, to work. Pdoc said it can be used for treatment resistant depression. Just so much red tape to take it off label.

I had originally thought about asking my SW to just come with me tiny first group session. But it would be too much of an inconvenience. So will have to do what Eve says and put on my big girl pants and just g

do it. 

what have you been up to today @Snowie ?

[Snowie]

Thats what I did @Bow Had 12 sessions as an inpatient (3 per week) for 4 weeks and now I am having it once per month.

That might work hon if you are that close to the hospital. At least nobody would have to wait around for you.

I really hope the new med does work. 

I'm sure that other people in the group would be just as nervous as you are hon.

Took D to the dentist this morning. Has to get all 4 wisdom teeth out so met with the Dentist who is doing it. She will get knocked out and do all 4 at the same time. Get it over and done with.

The SW came out this afternoon. I told him what's been happening and what my thoughts are like. Didn't really have any ideas on what to do but at least he listened. I can't talk about those things on here.

What are you doing for the rest of the day?