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Brokenmumma
Casual Contributor

Broken

Do U ever feel so broken and helpless U want to leave this shit world but love ya kids to much to go but don't know how to fix everything

10 REPLIES 10

Re: Broken

Hey @Brokenmumma,

Welcome! I hope that the forums can be a good source of peer support and connection.

Of course, if you are sitting with some thoughts of harming yourself or you are experiencing a crisis, please do not hesitate to contact any of the following:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

 

Once again, a very warm welcome to the forums - we are happy you are here 🙂 

 

Kind regards

Peregrinefalcon

Bow
Senior Contributor

Re: Broken

Hi @Brokenmumma I’ve been sitting in this horrible place for some weeks now. It’s not nice. It’s scary. It’s confusing. 

I encourage you to reach out and have supports around you. Some little people in your life need you.... I need to constantly remind myself of this. 

Re: Broken

Firstly, bloody well done for reaching out on this forum. I've been suicidal twice, this year. I have a wife and 2 kids. Now that I'm out the other end, man, I could've ruined everything, my whole kids futures by ending it. And what you said about this shit world, that's exactly how felt. Shit got really bad for me this year. I was so angry at the world and society for not helping me, I was driven to a point of mood disorder, personality disorder, psychosis, suicide.  Yes, the world, society did play a huge part in me getting to this point. But unfortunately, that's the life that has been made for all of us to live in. So I need to accept that. Moving forward I can choose to either follow the negative thoughts that lead me to that point of destruction, or I can choose to flip the table and see life from the bigger perspective, the brighter side. I don't know your situation, but yeah, life shits on us sometimes. It's up to us though, to choose which mindset we want to live by.  Acceptance, forgiveness, endurance, patience, love. They are all very hard to implement in life, especially when shit hits the fan or when people mistreat us. But ask yourself. Have I worked at these qualities hard enough? Can I justify leaving this shit world for my beautiful kids to grow up in without me there to protect and guide them, to help them avoid making the same mistakes I did, or falling into the same traps this world has waiting for everyone?

I know it's hard to accept this world at times, I've been to the darkest depths of it.  But none of those dark times and the effect they had on me, will ever compare to the power of love, and the strength I get from my kids.

We can seek all the help we want, but sometimes taking our own life comes down to us and our responsibility.  Lack of help drove me to my near demise. But I also rejected help, I accept that. My chronically bad mental state was very resistant to the help on offer, because it didn't suit the type of help I wanted. 

Ending a life is NEVER a good solution. Please don't become another statistic, and leave the kids without the most important person in their life, their mother. 💜

Re: Broken

Thank you so much I really appreciate your time in writing this I cried alot bit don't feel so alone

Re: Broken

I am.blessed with 5 children 

30 boy disabled bit the most beautiful heart of any man alive.,.26 boy who unfortunately I don't get to see anymore who has 2 beautiful brandies I've never met as his gf turned on me a few years ago after I almost died of a ruptured brain aneurysm...I was suffering dementia like symptoms my doctor said my brain had shit down alot of functions to try and heal itself as my anyrysum was near my.frontal lobe and when they clipped it to save me it swelled and pressed on the lobe... ...I just hope.one day my son will see what a nasty women she is and seek me out....3 months after my surgery my husband of 15 yrs ended our marriage ....took everything we had because I was too weak physically and mentally to fight him ....our marriage had been dead for years he had been cheating and verbally abusing me so in a way it was a relief but hurt.more than I can ever try to explain....crushed me almost beyond repair....I've struggled ever since....I decided to train as a support worker for aged disabled and mentally.ill because I never wanted anyone to feel how I felt when my mental health was out of my reach in dementia....I struggled to pass the course as my memory ever since has been terrible but thank the gods I met a women at the course that guided and helped me she is the most beautiful soul I've ever met still.close to this day

I worked for about 6 months struggling to manage as I can't stand for long periods and get very dizzy I'm guessing as a result of the anyrysum but I always felt better each day knowing I had made a difference to someone in Thier daily life helping them with tasks they couldn't manage....then my car died and I lost that job in April this year....and ever since have tried my hardest to manage but financially I'm on my arse sorry to be so frank.but I call it how it is I'm too.old to sugarcoat anything....with no car it's damn hard to be the best mother I can and struggling to get to much needed doctors appointments to take kids to school .....what has really ripped me now is my 13 ur.old son has decided to.go live with his dad and I just don't know how I will afford this house anymore and maybe become.homelesss then my ex will take my twin girls all I have left in this world....so.close.to a Xmas I will be alone have no.gifts for the kids I just feel shattered and don't know.how to fix my life and be able to keep at least my girls 

I'm going to apply for.public housing but know the wait is very long...I'm just not sure what I can do to change my.life

I know this sound awful but my ex's life just keeps getting better and mine keeps collapsing no matter how hard I try....I just don't know where to turn and feel weak and useless if I ask anyone for help I should be able to do this myself I feel do defeated wondering what ivve done to deserve this

 

 

 

 

 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Broken

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Its true.  @Brokenmumma - our children keep us going. We must reach them hope, we are like God to them. I've talked talked with adults  whose parent has died to suicide and they struggle with it every day... not just why, abandonment - "why/how could he/she leave me?" - "didn't love  me"  - "what's wrong with me?" ... but it also sets an example, openes  the door to see suicide as an option 😞 

I've been where you are. Can't imagine anyone loveing my children as much as me. And all the horror stories you hear from foster care or other institutions... Mum's have a powerful God given instinct to love and protect our children. Parenting isn't easy... 'a labour of love' my dad use to call it. I'm so glad you have this in your life, a truly fulfilling life purpose - no greater in my opinion, a powerful reason to hang on to life. And youre a good mum,  sense it.  Don't give up! 

Please please please keep reaching out and attending to your own needs, you are equally as important as your  children. Nobody taught me this but I know now, that LOOKING AFTER YOU IS THE BEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE YOUR CHILDREN.

There's lots here on the forums about

- Self Care

- Self Compassion etc

just type key words into search tab

Remember

"LIFE IS DIFFICULT

   BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE"

       💙💚💛🧡💓💜

               HUGZZ

  

26aqua
Senior Contributor

Re: Broken

Hi Brokenmumma, 

 

I'm feeling you! 6/8 weeks ago I was making plans for my kids future with my ex (their dad). 

I was feeling those plans for days. Really feeling like I was too broken to fix all the damage I've caused, to fix me, to just keep in going in this life. 

Two days ago I had some fleeting thoughts and it took for my s/o who I've been pushing away hard (telling him to f off, leave me the f alone, stay away I'll only cause you hurt and pain) to turn up, lay in my bed and hold me. I cried for what seemed like hours. 

Full of snot coming out my nose, down my throat and tears for miles, I made a bloody river. 

The next day I started a webchat session and just telling someone what I felt helped. 

This afternoon I made a call, I started with my morning and it helped me also let out a few other things. 

I definitely think this telling someone else how I'm feeling is helpful. 

The thing that stopped me in my tracks 2 days ago was "is there anyone else that could love my kids as much as I do?"

The answer is no. Only I can love them as much as I do because I grew them, I held them, wiped tears, kept them safe, have felt their love for me. 

I also thought about the trail of devastation I'd leave behind. What my family would have to do and go through just to fix up my affairs, what my kids would go through not having me when they feel like this or when they have a family and need help - I won't be there. 

I feel you're pain, you're struggles with feeling broken, unmendable - but ending ones life, that's permanent and we can't fix that. We can try to live just one day at a time. 

For me, I'm learning to just live in the moment I'm in, if it's getting ready for work or making some lunch. Trying to focus on just that moment. 

 

I truly hope you find some peace, I know the broken feeling all too well, feeling very broken and unbalanced myself for many months. 

You are not alone. 

💜💙

 

Re: Broken

O just feel so pathetic I could I let someone rip me down so far now all I feel is ashamed I'm so weak...embarassed to ask for help
26aqua
Senior Contributor

Re: Broken

Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm reading this as if someone has hurt you (emotionally/otherwise) and you're embarrassed to ask for help? 

Is it because you feel like you should have been stronger, or able to read the situation? 

Asking for help is nothing to be ashamed, embarrassed or feel pathetic about. 

If we have a chest infection, we go to the Dr for help. Just like our mental health. it's a hard choice, to admit you aren't feeling good about yourself or having bad thoughts and to ask for help, but it doesn't make us weak or pathetic. 

It means we are accepting something isn't right, something needs attention and we aren't always the best person to know what kind of help or support we need. 

Speaking to helplines can be so helpful in just getting things off our chest. Or having someone listen and without judgement. 

Most are anonymous so it doesn't matter what you say (unless they are concerned for safety and then will do what's needed to help save a life) and they can offer some really helpful tools or insights into what we are feeling. 

 

Don't give up, you are worth the fight. Your children are worth the fight. 

I know it's feel too hard sometimes, but you are not alone, you are worth every breath. 

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