How do you break through silence

[Mlw]

Hi,

I have a question,  it's something I've struggled with my intire life , the only thing that's change is I want to speak up, but I can't, 

I've live a lifetime of childhood neglect,  abuse, SA, and into adult life dv from a child qnd same sex spouse. 

I find myself trying to heal my journey,  try and talk out all the internal thoughts and feelings but 3 things stop me.

1. The fear of displaying emotions, and loosing control of emotions.

2. The fear of being met with disbelief,  judgement, unheard, shut-down, 

3. I just never know where to start, I can't get a word out. 

I can go in all planned,  but then my jaw clumps up, anxiety takes over, and nothing comes out.

I always leave disappointed in myself,  feeling invisable, unnoticed. 

Yet I know it's the fake mask that noone can see through, it's the shield, that I have around me.

I just want to be normal and not envy everyone else engaging in conversation and be able to heal.

[rav3n]

hey @Mlw thank you for sharing this with us. 

i'm so happy to hear you want to speak up, i can understand how difficult it can be when you've held onto so much for so long and now have so much to say that you don't know where to start. it can be really overwhelming and confusing when you first start out - i remember the first few times i opened up, i couldn't stop crying and i kept jumping from one thing to another because i wanted to get everything out but didn't know how to cover so much at once. with your first point about displaying emotions - i hear your fear, but at the end of the day it is a natural reaction. you may cry when you talk about it because there's probably a lot of pain and hurt that you haven't said out loud, and its okay to mourn that and release it from the body. have you tried writing out what you want to say? i used to write it all out and then plan out dot points on what i wanted to first discuss with the person i'm opening up to. realistically, you might not be able to cover everything in one conversation so picking a few things to start off with and then building on from that in your next conversation might make it less overwhelming for you as well.

fear of disbelief and judgement, etc., is very valid - do you have a trusted person you feel like you can open up to? if not, finding a therapist/professional who makes you feel comfortable, or even services (1800RESPECT would be great one to talk to, Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/ , Lifeline Text Support 0477 131 114 https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/) like our forums and SANE Support Line (Available Mon-Fri, 10am-8pm: 1800 187 263) would good places to try reach out. i know it can be scary to give them a go, and honestly, sometimes you may get lucky and get someone you click with while sometimes they might not be a match for you to talk with - but when you do find that match, the validation you get from the call makes it all worth it. 

You are not invisible, we hear you. It takes great strength to come and reach out to us here, I hope you know what a big step this is. Taking that mask off and opening up will take time, but it is 100% possible. I went from barely being able to say one honest word about my feelings without breaking down or freezing up, to being able to talk about it with multiple people now - it did take years of progress because of multiple factors such as my social anxiety, cultural barriers, etc. but i just wanted to share that with you so you know that it is possible for you too. you're healing journey seems to beginning in the right direction, look forward to seeing where it takes you 💗

[MJG017]

Hi @Mlw I can't imagine what it's been like for you to deal with all of this, but it's incredibly brave for you to want to speak up about it all.  It's only natural that you're finding it incredibly difficult... anyone would.  I can't really add much to @rav3n's response other than while I was reading your post I had the exact same thought about writing it all down.  That way you can take your time, organise your thoughts and go over it as many times as you need to get everything down you wanted to, even it it's just some main points.  If you still find it too difficult to talk about, then you can always just give someone the copy and let them read it for yourself.  You may find this easier than actually saying it at first.

Just don't be disappointed in yourself at all.  You've been through so, so much and talking about it can't be easy at all.  But you've started doing that here which I imagine wasn't easy so you've nothing at all to be disappointed in yourself about.  You've started the healing process and hopefully you can continue and get the healing you deserve.  I found it impossible to talk to anyone about my issues until I was 50 and mine are nothing compared to what you've had to endure so I can only think you're doing amazingly well to reach out like you have and I can only encourage you to continue as best as you can.  We're here for you to help you continue to move forward as best we can.

[Nomie]

I think you should start practicing opening up only to the people you are closest to otherwise you might be rejected when you are feeling vulnerable. With others you don't know so well keep the conversation light and open up just about every day issues. It is still sharing parts of you but just at different depths.

[Luma]

Well done for sharing your thoughts and feelings here. It’s a first step and shows you really want to heal. My dear, I don’t want this to come across in any way that you misinterpret it. But this is what I say to point 1., 2., and 3. So what?! So what if your feelings unravel and it’s too much for people, so what if people judge you, so what if all the things that stop you happen. It doesn’t change you in any way.

I can sit here all day and judge a chair, and yell at it and tell it that I don’t believe it’s a chair, that it’s only a piece of wood. It doesn’t change the fact that it is, and always will be, a chair. 

You don’t have to know where to start, it’s okay not to know, it means there’s more to learn and that’s exciting. Learning means growing and you’re doing exactly that. 

You’re  on the right track. Keep going lovely