hello I'm new

[maddison]

Hi,
This is my first visit here. It seems like a good place for me. I can identify with alot of what I have read.
My friend of many years is diagnosed Schizophrenia, and I have felt very alone at times, even more so in his company, it is hard to think I even exist to him at times. ( I want to believe that I do.)
I have also struggled with the concept that I am in a domestic abuse relationship - I have alot of lonely days.
That is all for my first post. I am glad I found this forum. Thank u for reading.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @maddison,

Thanks for contributing your first post. Welcome to the Forums!

Just letting you know that I've responded to one of your posts here. It might be good to steer the conversation that way, seeing there's more of your story on that thread.  

[maddison]

Wow @Appleblossom 8 years ago! Perhaps it is difficult to read from the posts & yes lots of exactly same issues going on, but I remember who I was when writing these. There is a sentence about me doing my nails somewhere here. That was the beginning of me becoming me!

All the things I was expressing 8 years ago - were only that, expressions. At that time, I wasnt 'allowed' to be anyone. 

Today, although we are still battling the same demons - the power dynamic is completely reversed.

I remember when I started doing my nails - he would hate it!  Don't like the colour, don't like the smell, waist of time.... Any excuse to belittle me & discourage this new activity of self expression, self care I had discovered.

I did my nails every 2-3 days for years. I studied what polish to buy next. I began supporting local Aussie makers. I joined FB groups discussing everything nails!

Slowly, but surely I claimed what I already knew was mine. 

It was really scary. I had to stand up to someone that had all the power. You can guess the response!

My outward actions appeared meek to the unsuspecting - I always knew I had warrior in me.

So whilst, on the surface it may appear that nothing has changed in these last 8 years... And I'm still writing & complaining about my struggles! In actuality, the person I was channeling back then has materialised & she/ I am even way more awesome than I could possibly have dreamt⭐

I had a lot of shit that I needed to confront & expose - it wasn't only in relation to feeling victimised - this is a symptom of an entire life, lived unaware of my own power.

Not power that dominates others. Power about me being as worthy as any other human. My needs being met. Power as an equal.

It might sound like bs & perhaps it could be interpreted that I am fooling myself & re- living a continuous cycle.

Maybe. Who knows?! I don't believe that. I know who I was then - & who I am now is the real life version, of who I wanted to be back then, & who I knew I already was - I couldn't work out how to find her,  is all.

How's the support I got those 8 years ago? I must have had angels watching over me my entire life. Beautiful kind people. 

What can I say? SANE (& nail polish💅) has been a blessing. Thankyou everyone & thankyou me - for believing in me & taking good care of me as these years. I love you past @maddison❤️

[Paperdaisy]

Love that @maddison 💛 🌻

[Appleblossom]

Powerful post @maddison 

I found it helpful to reflect on when I had made a particular post, and did it as a practice for a long time.  In the last year or 2 I have stopped doing that as I do not need to do it anymore.

The little things we do to develop our personal sense of autonomy and agency.  Glad we are still here.

[maddison]

Thankyou so much @Paperdaisy @Appleblossom 

Yes it can be useful to reflect.

I find I'm more comfortable leaving the past where it is, too.

Thanks for saying it was powerful.

I found I was tearing up towards the end of writing. I don't know what's happened to me. I haven't cried in years really. Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age!

I'm glad we are still here too.