Lived Experience Forum

[BPDSurvivor]

Dear Fellow Friends,

Over the Christmas period, some people find isolation a real trigger - me included. 

Good news, there will be three DBT Art groups held from 24th-26th Dec, run by a BPD advocate. A mental health professional with lived experience will be present. These sessions run via Zoom in the late afternoon/evening and are free of charge.

Please check out evenbrite to secure your tickets (free). This is an opportunity to meet with others and see how DBT can be done through art. You DONT have to be an artist to join!

https://www.eventbrite.com.au/o/graphics-for-good-mahlie-jewell-30207081714?fbclid=IwAR2UYZE5yhPueQF... 

BPDSurvivor

@Shaz51 @BlueBay @Aniela @Nells @JJ4 @vashi @BPDrose @Luca33 @Sarah_850 @Olliesmum @asdfge @SunflowerMe @magical_journey @Tbo @sarvan @Snoopy56 @sanity41 @Ellan @Laylah @Flossy92 @Bow @BPDSurvivor @Jacaranda84 @LouisianaM 

[BlueBay]

Hi @BPDSurvivor 

hope you're ok. 
ive had a sad week - it was one year that mother in law passed away. It brought a lot of mixed emotions. She lived with us for 20 yrs which was a big chunk of my married life. 

I do want to remember the good times. Unfortunately the bad times (abuse) has taken over my memories. It's like all my good times have disappeared. 

I wish I could say what and how I feel to others when they upset me. But I struggle. 
even saying to hubby how I really feel I struggle. I think it's because he doesn't validate what I'm saying. He listens but not really (does that make sense?)

yes I will bring up communication agsin with my psychologist. She does know how bad hubby is. 
we had one session together and as soon as he started talking it was all about me and how bad I sm. How I use my phone all the time. But - he didn't mention that he uses his phone too. 
I zoned out immediately as I couldn't hear him talk crap. Even my psychologist noticed how I reacted to hubby. 
it's so hard. Some days I just want to give up. I've had enough. 
yiu know I get very angry with my parents especially my mum. They don't know about my BPD. They wouldn't understand at all. So it's not worth telling them. 
I hope that I was never diagnosed with BPD 

[BPDSurvivor]

Dear @BlueBay ,

Thank you so much for sharing.

I can hear how challenging things are at the moment. The death of a loved one is difficult at the best of times, let alone for some with BPD. 

It's sounds like there is a lot of trauma-related work to be done so that coping skills can be developed. Considering my PTSD, I've barely scratched the surface of the work. I've told my psychologist that I am not yet ready. Considering the challenges of this current period of time (Covid19, end of year, transitioning care), we are putting of trauma related therapy until later when things are more stable. I somehow don't believe that targeting trauma first is the way about BPD recovery.

For me, my BPD recovery consisted of:

1. Medication to help with comorbidities (insomnia and depression).

2. Talking therapy - heaps of it to teach me how to communicate.

3. Medication reduction - I was no longer depressed

4. Trauma therapy + ongoing practise in articulating thoughts

This process has taken over a decade. It is not a quick fix. But I guess the earlier you begin (if you feel ready), the earlier you will be on your road to recovery.

As for your current difficulties with communicating with your husband, it seems like a good idea if he also has (if he doesn't already) therapy from the same psychologist. That way, he can be supported as a carer of someone with BPD and he can be made aware of what you are working on so it can be 'practised' at home. This is probably good so that he also knows how to communicate to you in a way that is not degrading or invalidating.

I hope this makes some sense.

I wish you the best and want you to know that I'm riding this out with you. I'm willing to do it all again because I've seen how much I've grown and learnt as a person. Having BPD has made me a much better person. It is about accepting it and working with it so you can get the best from it. Don't get hung up on the BPD diagnosis. It's really there to support you to get the care you need and deserve.

Hugs,

BPDSurvivor

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @BlueBay ,

Just continuing my message from Need to Vent .

Once again, congratulations on being able to reach out and speak to someone via phone.

As much as pwBPD struggle to communicate,

doesn't it seem weird that when we are upset, we can be the most eloquent people? Ive certainly experienced this.

I still have these 'BPD moments' once every so often. I have been working a lot with my psychologist on this because I tend to say things I don't mean or things that will hurt others when I am upset.

My therapy surrounding this was recognising my tendency to be like a pressure cooker. I bottle things up until I absolutely explode. So to reduce these explosive moments, I was taught the skills to let out a bit of steam through communicating. The more I could let off this steam bit by bit, the less likely I was to completely lose the plot and explode. This was a skill I needed to be explicitly taught. I didn't just pick it up. Then I had to practise it.

And I'll always remember it be thing my boss at work has taught us: "Never send an email when you are upset - it comes out wrong". I guess I've generalised this to other things so I don't end up hurting people.

It takes time, but later, you'll be able to look back and see how far you've come.

BPDSurvivor

[WIP]

Hi @BPDSurvivor 

How have you been? We haven't chatted for a little while.

I saw another new psychologist during the week - I've been shopping around a bit to find one that I click with and feel will actually be able to help me.

She highlighted 'emotional dysregulation' very early on in the session. I had sent her some

notes on my mental health history, and went into detail of life events that have happened over the past few years, contributing to my current deep major depression & anxiety - and she actually read them!!! So, must have had an idea of what to ask straight away. 

Anyway, she's predominately as a Dialectical Behaviour Therapist and that's the approach we are going to take.  I'm scared my diagnosis is going to change and I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that. I'm also scared of the therapy, it sounds full on.

How did you develop the attitude you have towards your BDP diagnosis and DBT therapy?

Hugs,

WIP

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @WIP !

So good to hear from you!

Being back on site working has been hectic!

All good, but just means I have less time perusing the forums throughout the day.

DBT is one of the most common approaches to BPD treatment. Ive done elements of DBT and I absolutely love it - it just makes sooooooo much sense! Particularly the idea of the 'wise mind' being a balance of the 'emotional mind' and the 'rational mind'. I always focus on this when I'm going through challenges. 

pwBPD move on the extremes of using the rational mind and the emotional mind (each has its benefits, but using solely one or the other can be detrimental). DBT helps you develop the skills to be present and make decisions with the balance of the rational and emotional mind ie the wise mind.

I'm actually looking for more DBT treatment options because there's so much to learn. How I see it is I know my weaknesses, and this is the first step to dealing with them. I used to hide my weaknesses but this only landed me into a state of deep depression. Being in PARCs (prevention and recovery centres) was the first time I felt I could open up without judgment. All clients had weaknesses there and the education groups each day acknowledged these weaknesses. We were taught that it's ok to have weaknesses (as all do) and now it was about moving forward with the challenges so that they do not reduce our quality of life. 

DBT is something that works when you are ready to challenge yourself. It is in your hands. If it is the full treatment, it involves weekly group and individual sessions. I would be so excited to be able to have the time to go through another 12 months of weekly sessions. I had another assessment through Spectrum, but it was concluded that I no longer need the intensity of a full DBT program.

Seize the opportunity. Push yourself to go and do it even if it feels hard. Don't listen to the inner voice that tells you you won't get better. Listen to the voice that says "This is me. I will go on to live a satisfying life." Self-talk is also something that can make a huge difference. The voice of depression is very different to the voice of hope. Allow the voice of hope to ring louder. 

You are stronger than you think. That inner desire to press on is there. Let it be voiced!

Hugs hugs hugs

BPDSurvivor

[Bow]

You sound so positive about where your at @BPDSurvivor hope. A future. Recovery. Your on top of everything. I wish I had that. I am barely functioning 

[BPDSurvivor]

@Bow ,

Trust me. I wasn't always like this. I think once you learn the 'secret', you can't possibly go back. It somewhat feels like once you learn to walk, you won't go back to crawling. It's not that you can't crawl, but walking is more suitable.

My depression days meant I had a fear of waking up alive. I stayed in bed and indoors as much as possible. I resisted taking medication because 'it doesn't help'. I was in such a hole. I never dreamt of getting out.

Now that I've moved beyond that time, I'm a lot more equipped to deal with adversity so I don't go down that path again. I still have weekly psychologist appointments to continue practising communication - as @BlueBay  knows, effective communication is NOT our forte. Between psychologist appointments, I note down what I want to work on so I don't waste my hour session. It's whatever pops up during the course of the week whether it's how to deal with a difficult person or how to handle a situation. This has made my appointments totally worth while. So rather than just go in and say 'I feel crap. Fix me' I run through the antecedents of the feeling to see how I can do things differently next time.

Dont be too ambitious. Take small steps. Set achievable goals.

All things are possible. Soldier on. It's okay to fall. It's okay to have hiccups along the way. Just know you want to see recovery and work towards it.

BPDSurvivor

[BPDSurvivor]

@Bow ,

It's not only about knowing the secrets, but using the strats. We are all innately different. We all have different situations and many situational crises cannot be avoided. This does not make you innately 'wrong'. It is a hiccup in your recovery, and whilst you do feel low at this point in time, it does not mean things will not improve. They have improved for you in the past, and they can again.

Also, I'll be honest, I feel like i'm only at the beginning of my recovery. Who knows? Perhaps in a few years time, I'll also find myself in a dark hole once again. I cannot predict what will happen, but I can make a difference to the now. Whatever is not currently working for me will then be something I know I need to work on.

Hold on @Bow . You will be able to once again taste satisfaction and success.

Do you have any supports at the moment? What is one thing you would like to change at this moment? Something that is achievable?

BPDSurvivor