Relationship Trauma

[HopeDream]

Hi,

I just wanted to vent about some things that have happened recently. In January, I broke up with my first long term boyfriend. We had a pretty toxic relationship that left me with a lot of emotional scars. When we were together, he frequently made me question my own self-worth, and made me feel insecure about a lot of things. Two weeks ago, I met a guy, and he's great, but I can't seem to get over the anxiety that he's going to treat me like my first boyfriend treated me. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on this? 

Thanks.

- HopeDream

[Ru-bee]

Hi @HopeDream 

Firstly, I'm sorry that you went through that with your previous partner. I'm glad that you're out of that situation now, but as you mentioned, these relationships can leave us with emotional scars that stay with us. 

That's not to say that this can't be overcome, but that it is completely understandable that you may have these anxieties.

Is this new person aware of your past relationship at all?

This might be a good time to lean on supports where you feel able to express your anxieties and worries. You can also try to challenge these thoughts when they arise, reminding yourself that this person is not your ex and try to ground yourself in the present.

Do remember though that healing from this can take time and that the right person will have patience and care to help you work through this. 

[HopeDream]

Hi @Ru-bee 

Thanks so much for your reply. He does know about my past relationships however I haven't talked about them in depth with him because I feel like it's an awkward subject. But I'm wondering whether I should talk to him more to help him understand my current state. At the same time though...what if I haven't fully healed from my past relationship? Should I avoid getting into a new relationship before I sort this out? I'm just confused. Any words of encouragement/advice would be highly appreciated.

- HopeDream

[MermaidHair]

Hey @HopeDream I'm really sorry to hear about your toxic past relationship and the damage it has done but I am so glad you're out of that now!

It can definitely be really hard to warm to and open up to new people after having gone through something like that. The thing with these relationships is that not only do they impact our ability to be vulnerable with and trust others, they also affect how much we trust and believe in ourselves.

If you are serious about the new guy and he hasn't shown you any red flags then my advice would be just to take it slow. Take your time to really get to know him, enjoy your time together while still focusing on yourself and your healing 💜

[HopeDream]

Hi @MermaidHair 

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot. There are a few minor things that make me a bit unsure but overall I do feel safe and protected around him. I guess I'm just anxious that this relationship is going to take an emotional toll on me like my last relationship did. And I don't know if I should be doing more things to help myself heal...I'm just a bit confused at the moment. But coming on here has helped a lot, so thank you for replying. It means more than you know.

- HopeDream

[wild_rose]

Hi @HopeDream

A few years ago I was in a similar situation, I escaped a pretty toxic and abusive relationship.

When I started dating again, it was hard to overcome and unlearn previously learned things, but it does get easier in time. Please be kind to yourself, unlearning previous traumas isn't easy, the fact that you can recognise them though is a great start.

I am so glad you are out of that situation, go easy on yourself, take it slowly a new future awaits you

[HopeDream]

Hi @wild_rose 

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. Things didn't end up working out between us because he wanted to focus more on his study/career, which disappointed me, but I knew that it was for the better. I know that the break-up isn't a reflection of my self-worth, but rather, a sign that he wasn't the right person for me. And the break-up did help me learn a lot about myself, and showed me that I have things I need to work on as well. 

I'm glad that you managed to get out of that toxic relationship, and know that although I may never meet you in person, I am rooting for you too.

- HopeDream