Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jynx]

You are welcome @Healandlove and I am sorry to hear of how deeply this is impacting you. I am about to log off but I will be around again tomorrow, if you want to keep chatting - I'll check back in with you. Be gentle with yourself hun, sending you a big pile of hugs 🫂💜🫂

[Healandlove]

@PinkFlamingo , thank you for being here.

I want this pain to stop. If it weren't for my kids I would have no reason to keep going.

Everything is too much right now. I don't even have anyone to give me a hug and tell me things will get better. I hug my children deeply everyday. My husband is not able to give me the emotional support I need. He doesn't even know my distress right now as there is no point due to his condition. 

I live another day hoping tomorrow my heart is a little bit lighter. 

Take care my friend 🧡 and thank you for your support 🙏🏻 ❤️ 

[Healandlove]

Thank you @Shaz51 my lovely friend.  Sending you hugs too and hoping things are OK for you and Mr Shaz.

[PinkFlamingo]

its an honour to be here with you @Healandlove 🌺

Its takes a great deal of courage and trust to reach out, and to talk about what is going on for you, and I just want to gently show you respect for that bravery xx 

I do understand, and hear the deep pain your describing.. If I could I would give you a massive hug, to let you know youre not alone 🙂 

I hold that hope alongside you, that tomorrow will be a lighter day, and things will feel a bit better 💜

Thank you, and I hope you get some rest tonight. 

Please do stay in touch, and keep talking, we are here for you xx 

[Jynx]

@Healandlove how are you travelling today? Did you end up calling the sane line?

I was just re-reading your post from last night. I am really sorry that not only were your feelings were shut down so completely, but you were also blamed for your hurt. Like, yes kids need to learn how to be independent and how to resolve conflict within relationships, but the ONLY way we can learn those things is if they're modelled to us, or we're guided through it, and that is entirely the responsibility of the parents. Perhaps your dad has some unresolved issues about the quality of his parenting, and was projecting those insecurities onto you by saying you were the one who chose this path? Can't be sure but that's my two cents. In any case, families are a system, all parts interconnected, and no one part can be fully blamed for malfunctions within the system. If you like reading about psychology theories, approaches, etc., Family Systems Theory delves into this sorta stuff. 

I reckon it shouldn't be your job to fix it - because again, responsibility for resolving conflict rests on the shoulders of all parties involved, not just one person. That's how we end up habitually stuck in the fawn-response (like I was...recovering people-pleaser, checking in!). I reckon writing the letter as a draft might be a good step. I always find it super cathartic to write everything out, all my thoughts and feelings, even the not-so-kind words that I know I'd never really say to the person, but that I still feel the need to express anyway. Then I'll sleep on it for a few days, wait for my system to return to baseline, and revisit the draft from a clearer/calmer mind. 

Anyway, that's my rambling thoughts, hope they resonate 💜

[Shaz51]

Hello @Jynx , @PinkFlamingo 

Hugs my @Healandlove 

It is not our job to fix people around us and our loved ones 

I found it hard for years and tried so hard to do more but there is soo much we can do before it starts affecting us 

You are an awesome mum, wife and daughter ❤️ 

How are you going today xx 

[Healandlove]

@Jynx thank you so much for checking in. I am feeling a tad lighter today although my heart hurts. Knowing you guys are here and care does make a big difference.  Thank you.

You hit the nail on the head. My Dad has suffered his own trauma growing up and he was rejected by his family even though he always put them first. We are so alike and I modelled him (wanting to help others and putting everyone else in the family first) ...it hurts more coming from him because he has been through all this but I guess he was projecting. You are also right that parents have a responsibility to teach their children conflict resolution and how to sort things outs. The message we got from my parents was always,  "don't fight" , "sisters don't fight" " when siblings fight outsiders eat them up". There was nothing useful in those teachings. Whenever I tried to to communicate my side, hurt feelings etc to my sister growing up she would always say, "As always, you are going to start crying "...so I shut down because I would start crying 😢.  It is so cruel. I also remember this one incident where I was 4 and she was 7 and my mum had left us at home alone to go next door. I had just woken up and when I woke up and asked my sister where my mum was she told me she had gone away and that she left because of me. I remember vividly crying and holding my Dad's guitar singing a song for my mum telling her to come back while I watched my sister across the room.just laughing at me. My mum returned home shortly and found me in tears. Then it all became the joke of the family. And I followed like it was nothing but over the years it sank in how cruel this was. At 7 she was old enough to know that she was causing me pain. Had it not been a big deal, why do I remember it so vividly? My psychologist was horrified at this.

And yet I still wish we had a close relationship and that we could hug each other tightly so does that make me a doormat?

I will write the letter to my Dad because he has to know how the words he said hurt me deeply.  I am his mirror. 

I don't know what to say besides that I need to stay alive for my children. I hope my husband gets better in time and I will support you but I stay alive for my children.

They are my whole world and I want them to feel happy and have the best life possible. 

Thank you for giving me the space to be heard and being with me. I imagine each one of you as angels watching over us. 

@Jynx @Shaz51 @PinkFlamingo @RiverSeal 

[Healandlove]

@Shaz51, I cried so much when I read your encouraging and kind words. Thank you for saying so. I needed to hear this...

Thank you for being here... I live to see another day and continue to hold on for my two little ones. I will make that Lifeline plan and decided to print a photo of me as a kid and put it on my desk to remind that little girl from the past that I am not giving up...also for her. 

How is your health? How is Mr Shaz and your mum?🌹🥰

[Jynx]

@Healandlove you're very welcome, and thank you for sharing your story hun. Within it I can see just how much turmoil you've been through, and have a renewed admiration for the work you've done to navigate it all. I can really hear how much your pain was made into an object of ridicule. Being made fun of for crying is so very detrimental, especially to a young child still developing. 

To desire love and to be loved does not in any way make you a doormat. I think it speaks to your integrity and your kind heart more than anything - and we all want to be accepted as we are, and have our family be a source of strength, not pain.

Buuuuut if you're concerned about being a doormat, i.e. sacrificing your own sense of comfort and safety in order to 'be good enough' to receive respectful treatment, well from this recovering people-pleaser I say that's why we work on developing strong but flexible boundaries. I never knew how to implement boundaries or what a boundary even was until I heard it explained like this: 

A boundary is not an attempt to control another person's behaviour, it is about what we are willing to tolerate. Implementing a boundary is communicating this need to another and asking them to respect it; if their behaviour continues, we remove ourselves from the situation. 

Maybe in your letter you could try to express a boundary with your father, like 'I would like it if you could be more respectful of my emotions and not shut down or ridicule me for them. If you cannot respect this boundary, I will no longer feel comfortable sharing my emotions with you.' Food for thought anyway. 

A very powerful reason to stay alive. You are driven by love and compassion, and that is a wonderful thing. I hope you can find more reasons as you go along too - even the little ones count, like enjoying a sunset or giggling at a silly joke. 

Sending some angel hugs, all wrapped up in soft wings 💜🫂

[Shaz51]

Sorry @Healandlove 

My mum has passed away 

Mr shaz is having real bad dreams and hardly any proper sleep,  we believe they are from the new meds but his MH team are not listening and continue to say taking them 

My kidney is stable and putting weight on because of the insulin injections 

Sore back this week 

@Jynx , @PinkFlamingo