Parents Supporting Unwell Adult Children

[Paula2]

Hello. 

I have only just found this forum and signed up. I am a mum and a carer of my 2 adult children who live with me.  My son is 24 and has ASD 3 and ADHD and a Tic disorder as well. My daughter is 26 and has ASD 2 and OCD and Social anxiety disorder. Their dad rarely supports them as he has Bipolar and Alcohol/Drug Use Disorder and recently mentioned Borderline Personality (sorry about all the labels- just trying to give a picture of my situation) and he lives with his parents 4 hours away. 

My son has a few supports in place like Speech therapy and physiotherapy and a psychiatrist. I have just found a new OT and someone to help me with his  NDIS funding. He doesn't want anyone to help him but I am really really exhausted. He takes medication to help with his meltdowns which helps a little. He needs a lot more than that though. Over the years he has refused help but I have asserted to him that it helps him and will make a difference. He usually gives things a try at least once. But lately, I am feeling very tired and worn out.  I am starting to think that it's me with problems. Undiagnosed ones. Like I have a mood disorder. Or is that just all part of "caring"?  I feel angry inside. I am holding it in. I feel guilty just feeling angry. It's not their fault. It's no one's fault. No one knows how I feel...I don't get angry with anyone. I just take a deep breath and keep going but just lately I feel like crying a lot. My doctor wants me to take antidepressants but they make me overweight and I can't sleep which triggers other things for me. I started to get up early so I could have time to myself but now my son gets up then too. Thats a whole other story as to why but it's because he is "checking". I feel like I am starting to have a breakdown. I do have friends. But when I mention my situation then I get a  rundown on all their problems. Which is supposed to make me feel better like my problems are not as bad. But my situation doesn't change. This is not going away. Or I get a whole lot of advice, which is nice. It just leaves me feeling like they must think I am an idiot. 

Right now I am just ranting. I really needed to offload these feelings and see if anyone else feels like this. Thank you for reading. 

[Shaz51]

Hello and welcome @Paula2 ❤

Sooo glad you are here my friend 

Letting you know that you are not alone my friend xxx 

@Faith-and-Hope , @Mumma_of4 , @Appleblossom , @Anastasia , @NatureLover , @Dimity , @frog , @eth , @Former-Member , @Paperdaisy , @moderator , @Smc , @Olga , @hanami , @Jynx 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Paula2  and welcome to the forums …. 👋

Yep, I can relate to everything you have said, and you are certainly not alone in it with the other Carers here.  Done if what you are describing does go with the Carer territory.  Other parts are the result of burnout.

One thing we often recommend here is a Self Care Box.  You can put into it anything you like - a paper and pen, or glittery pens if that’s what you’re into, fave photos, some sweet smelling handcream (that one does wonders for the senses as well as your hands), a list of favourite music, a coffee voucher, fave nail polish ….. whatever rings your bell.  

It’s like a present to yourself and somewhere to go when you’re totally over everyone and everything for a while ….. maybe even tape an image of a battery to the inside of the lid to remind you that it’s a recharge spot for you ….. or in modern terms a photo of a phone recharger and socket ??

Wearing clothes in my favourite colour is another reminder to factor me into my day.

The forums are a Godsend.  I have been here for several years now, having been caught in a riptide of betrayal and broken relationships through someone I thought I was caring for ….. that’s a whole other story.

There are people to walk along with you here who “get it”, and we often just sit by each other through the toughest spots so we all know we are not alone ….. and we are not alone.  There is comfort and safety in these numbers.

🌷 F&H

[Appleblossom]

Hearing you about young men who do not really want to get "help".  @Paula2  There are probably a few inner conflicts going on for them but at least ... as you said ... "Over the years he has refused help but I have asserted to him that it helps him and will make a difference. He usually gives things a try at least once. "  It is great he is giving things a try ... so the onus is on "the services" to get it right ... and not to be too casual about their responsibilities.  

my son is similar ... recently he said that he thought a doctor was trying ... I see that as a move in the right direction ... on both sides ...

Yes ... weary sigh ... meds and weight ... and the endless set of concerns that can turn being a mum ... into endless mea culpas... yet too many my faults ... simply get in the way of survival and doing the job.

Yes ... Work on your self care

Apple

[Paula2]

Thank you! xx

[Shaz51]

How are you going today @Paula2 😀👋💐

[Faith-and-Hope]

If you click on the @ symbol on your keyboard @Paula2 you will get a drop down menu of the last 5 users.  If you click on the names of the people you are responding to, they receive a “tag” that links them to your reply.  A little forum tip there ….. 😏